Letting Go of Toxic People, Even If it’s a Family Member

205 Comments

1. Teresa

   I thought this was really well written

   1. Thank You! I hope that you found useful pieces you might be able to take away from it.

      1. I started reading this article because it said “family members” and I am looking for some type of resolution on how to cope. I myself have recently decided to walk away from my daughter, so my situation is flipped from yours. However, much of what you mention did happen. She got very upset with me. She went to other family members turning them against me, some of which were extremely close to me when I was a child. I am no longer allowed to see my grandson. She went on facebook making all kinds of nasty comments referring them to me. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Over the years she had drug me into so many problems and upheavels, with other people in her life. I would always get sucked in to defend and fight her battles. Then she would sit back and watch it happen. She has always had a problem with keeping friends and til this day she only has 1. When she 1st meets someone, she is very likable, very giving, and will do anything for you, but then after awhile (I never timed it) they would not want anything to do with her. Me being her mom, it hurt! I would always be there to pick her back up no matter what! This last situation she created was directed at me and my sister. I guess there is no one else for her to start with. Anyway, I love her with all my heart and it kills me that I can’t see my grandson. Everyday, it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. It’s definitely been a struggle for me and I feel so much guilt, but I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. Although now, I struggle with that fact of what is worse; dealing with all her drama and fights or the heartache that I feel now. Best of Luck to you and everyone on here that has “walked away” I hope it does get easier!

      2. Thank you!

         You have helped me more than you will ever know.

         Allie

      3. Thank you for writing this. Although, the situation with me is my ex wife, whom I am very close too, and my legal, not biological, son, whom I am also very close too. The situation was hard and I thought that they were the only family that I had, but, she was emotionally and mentally abusive and controlling. Her now husband stood back and let this happen and does not understand, or does and doesn’t care. I hope the best for him. I connected with what you wrote and a lot of the same scenarios were there for me. Thank you

      4. My story is similar, but it is about my older sister. She has always been mean to me. To this day, I still haven’t figured out why. My sister got married and had a baby. We went to see the baby. My sister made the comment in front of our dad, that now she had a baby and I would not get all of the attention anymore. (She always got more attention then me or my brother combined!) My dad made excuses for her comment, and never got on to her for saying it. I forgave her for it. The next major thing she did for meanness was to go to California without me to see our relatives. I was suppose to go with her and her family. I was so excited about going. I woke up the next morning excited and ready to go. Only to find out that they left the night before. She said the reason she did that is because she wanted her newborn to get all of the attention! I forgave her again for doing that to me. On another incident, my sister came down to see our mom, and I rode back with my sister and her husband to help take care of her second daughter. She said something to me and I said something back to her that she didn’t like. She told her husband to take me to the bus station so that I could take a bus home. I wasn’t going to wait for a bus in the middle of Dallas at 10:00 pm. at night. I called our brother to come and get me. I waited outside for him because my sister was screaming and yelling at me. I could not take her cruel and mean comments. Her husband came outside and told me to wait in the house. I told him no thank you. We lived about 3 hours away, so it took my brother a while to get there. Can you image being outside late at night in Dallas? I almost had a nervous breakdown. I had to start seeing a therapist and take medication for my severe anxiety. I eventually forgave her for that as well.
         When we were growing up, my sister did a lot of bad stuff, and my dad always made sure she got what she wanted. My brother and I had to work for everything we wanted. However, We finally got over the resentment.
         There are a lot more stories I can tell you about her meanness, but what finally hurt me the most was something that happened just the other day. My sister now has MS and is in a wheelchair. She can’t really go anywhere or do anything. I thought I was being nice and kind when I decided that we would go see her and her family for Christmas. She was fine with it at first. Then I get a call from her stating that they did not have enough room and we would have to probably set on the floor. I told her that would not be a problem and that me and my husband could get a hotel room. My sister told me that my great niece and nephew would not be opening onw single present while we were there. ( I took this to mean they would not even be opening the presents we bought them). She informed me that their Christmas would be at her daughter’s house. She keep reiterating that her husband wasn’t going to be able to do anything for us because he had to take care of her. I reminded her that last time we came down to see her, we took care of ourselves and even cooked breakfast for everyone, and bought take out for them. I told her to not worry, we would get a hotel room. Well, she flew off the handle and stated that she was not going to let her sister dictate how her Christmas would be. I texted her husband, because my sister does not have a cell phone, and told him we would not be coming down. That I didn’t mean to cause a fuss. He texted me back and told me that I was putting to much stress on my sister and she did not need any extra stress on her. He also informed me that when come to their house, they cannot smoke in there OWN house. My or my husband has ever said a word about them smoking in their house. I know that one of their daughters do not want them smoke in front of the children.
         Anyway, that was it for me. I too have chosen to take her out of my life completely. i do not want anything else to do with her. I think I have taken more crap from her then I needed to. Am I being selfish and mean by doing this?

      5. People with this kind of behavior often have a named psychiatric disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder which is often accompanied by Narcissism. Learning about these can be very helpful in letting go of the person for your own good. It eliminates the guilt. I call it compassion at a safe distance.

      6. Exactly what I am going through thank you for all of the insights. This has given me a world of wisdom on how to deal with abuse in the family.

      7. Thank you for this article. I’m 80 yo and have been trying to justify my leaving a family member. The only thing is they are mentally disabled and I feel quilty about leaving. But I don’t think I can handle his outburst anymore.

      8. Wow, wow, wow!
         Your article describes my older sister to a T. I broke contact with her for 15 years but then my mother’s dying wish was that we made up. I’ve put up with this toxic sister now for 9 years. I’ve had enough. Time to brake the contact again. Your words were very encouraging and powerful.
         Thank you

      9. Hi, Today I blocked my mom, again. From my phone and social media.
         I have been going through the ups and downs with her for years.
         I recently am going through a divorce and had to get a restraining order on my husband.
         Mom all too gladly stepped into his place as my abuser. She has always been manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive.
         I came down with a cold and not feeling well to boot. She would not give me any peace at all. Calling every five minutes, leaving voicemails to let me know how mad she is from not answering her constant calls. Also this morning a cousin calls me and doesn’t leave a message. Probably to see if I put his calls to voicemail as well, which I did not. He didn’t leave a message. So it makes me believe she put him up to it, which she uses family and friends to be her “flying monkeys”. I blocked her after all this. I feel ok about it but still sad because she does seem to be kind at times, very rarely but it’s nice to have a mom who cares even if it’s only, sometime.
         I have to love myself more and refuse to be abused by anyone. It’s going to be hard and she may even call my soon to be ex to help her torment me. She may do a lot of awful things, which she already does anyway, so I think I made the right decision. Thank you for your story, it was very sad but also very courageous on your part. Thank you for sharing.

      10. Thanks so much for this. Your story could be mine. I am in the process of cutting off the last toxic member of my family. Both parents are dead. I underwent 13 years of Therapy, sadly my younger sister tried to move on with no work on her trauma. We have an ocean between us. She is married with two beautiful children, but she is carrying the toxicity forward. I had to separate from her last year. Did the same thing you did, block phones, block mail. It shredded the heart that I tried to duct tape together after all the abuse. I’ve been searching for wisdom and articles, and this has been so supportive, encouraging, and I have hope that I will find peace of cutting out, what I believed was an ally, a sister, a fellow human.

      11. I find the information to mirror the exact thingsthT my sister. She is 1 of 4 with one deseased. The parts of fallout will deff. Happen but i need my happiness.i went through this and got a divorce. Still no happines l feel this is what i need so bad that my toxic sister also mirrors the discription described. I wish i had all these pages in order. My parents passed in 1999 7 months apart. They are not here to be blamed at this time or any . My sister is toxic only to me and i am the only boy youngest of 4 older sisters.AND BRAVO TO THE AUTHOR OF THIS INFORMATION. I HAVE A LONG HARD ROAD TOWARDS my Happines. Thank you

   2. *I cried reading it. I had to pray too. Opened my eyes a bit differently. I did however notice something about your article. I’d rather mention it to you privately.

      1. Of course, please email me at [email protected]. Thank You!

      2. Wow!!
         This is one powerful article. I went no contact on my mother August 3, 2012. I call it my Emancipation Day as matter of fact 4 yrs later I got married on that date to the love of my life. How true this article is as you go through so many phrases but no matter how good I was or how much money I gave her it was never enough. When I started having children she got even worse. My mother started treating them the same way. It was time to end this relationship. Was it easy? Hell No! Just like the article stated it comes with a cost. My grandma along with a few relatives thought I was crazy and disrespectful to the woman who gave birth to me. I had to learn stop trying to explain or justfy my actions it wasn’t going to get any better. I was in my 40’s there was not only mental abuse, there was emotional, physical, sexual and financial abuse. I don’t regret leaving and going No Contact. My children and I are happy and safe. My mother doesn’t get a free pass to abuse me or my kids anymore. As for her flying monkeys(family/friends who take her side) don’t let them make you feel bad. My favorite Aunt (or I should say was my favorite) told me I had anger and hatred issues in my heart. I needed to forgive my mother it would make me feel better. I tried that and it didn’t work. Forgiveness is a process there is no due date. Its up to the victim if and when they want to forgive. Even if I forgive my mother I can’t go back. I suffered over 30 years of abuse that I can’t get back. So why is it everyone wants me to hurry up and forgive so quickly? I stop telling my story to any and everyone because most people don’t believe a mother could be so horrible. I had a stranger curse me out and told me I was going to hell for talking about my mother in that way. He told me to quit lying on her. Shame on me!

      3. Dont make anyone make you feel bad. There are people out here with similar issues and I had the same issue with the woman that birth me. Been a year since i had no contact with her and plan on keeping it that way. You are right also about forgiveness it does not happen overnight its a process. Stay strong and remember you are loved.

      4. Lala – what a strong n brave woman you are! You did yourself n your children a huge service to remove your toxic mother from hurting any one of you in the future. I wish you the best!

      5. Wow you are strong I wish I was as strong as you. I have went without speaking to her but when my sweet dad passed and they her and my so called sister didn’t even give me the opportunity to say good bye but they didn’t have the decency to let me no I find out days later and then those toxic people tell me I can’t attend his funeral then decide I can and give him a pathetic funeral. I am constantly getting told how I should let go of the past when they throw things in my face about the past. I have cried and been hurt and I call that toxic lady weekly because my sweet dad would want me to but she is horrible and so are my 2 siblings. Going to my daddy’s grave to tell him I am sorry but I just can’t take her anymore.

      6. OMG, i was in the same shoes as yours. lifetime of verbal, emotional abuse and fiscal abuse once i started making money, i came to realize my mom was never going to be satisfied. the more i did for her, she would ask for more and more…not an end to it. i did NC in 2011 and she passed this February. i have 2 brothers, 1 older and younger. my brother is bitter that i NC to the angel mom. my toxic mom did all the horrible things to only me, i was her scapegoat.
         it was extremely difficult at first, but for the sake of my wellbeing and my family i know i did the right thing. i know i broke the cycle of what she had passed down. she too had a traumatic childhood, but that does not mean she could abuse me like the way she did. no excuse for that for sure. all human beings deserve to be treated with respect. i deserve to have a good, happy life because i am a good person. still having a hard time knowing i am a good person since she always put me down and criticized me for who i was.

      7. I know this was years ago but. .how spot on this is to what I’m currently a part of and just simply how small a parent, with mine being my own mother, can make whom they supposedly ‘saw something in’ feel so small throughout just years of mental growth. And y’know? The most ignorant can easily make you feel just as small when you’ve made that decision too, as I ended up having to do that with my father recently. And while that one stung did I also have to accept that once I’m able to step out my mother’s doors will she, too, have to probably go as well. The pain, honestly. But while the days go by of having to tolerate such, am I slowly coming to that realization that both of them truly weren’t ready for parenting throughout my life which in many ways, resulted in how my life has turned out. So very much am I happy for you on your success and make sure to continue no matter what. And to everyone. Happy Memorial day!

      8. Cathy, I am in exactly your situation now with my 20 year old daughter. My husband is the enabler, and thinks I’m overreacting and being too hard on her by cutting off contact. She has gaslighted me, lied, physically, mentally and emotionally abused me over the years, and recently she attacked me so badly I realised enough was enough. My heart is sore thinking of the pain to come, but she has brought us nothing but shame. I just hope my husband sees through her enough to side with me on throwing her out.

      9. I know this an older post and I wish I had read this earlier on. I would like to reply and also have few questions but I feel it is very personal and I do not know who to share it with.

      10. Hi Lily,

          You can email corinne @ thepragmaticparent.com if you want to share anything about the article or your experience. We don’t have individual’s emails who have commented on any post if you are specifically looking to talk with one person.

      11. Great article, it gave me so much insight to how toxic my relationship has been with my son. I have been beating myself up trying figure out what I did wrong but now realize it’s him. I am ready move on and take care me.

      12. It’s never a hard thing it’s a new life when you really know the truth about blood is not thicker than you health, peace, joy and more. I judge no one when they tell me that they don’t talk or keep in touch with certain family in their lives. You never know what was done to a person what it took to get away from those people, heal mentally and overcome as well. Most importantly I stay away from those in the faith that will use every excuse using religion and that belief as well. Returning to people who has tried to destroy you mentally and do other mental harm to you is not a family what so ever that you need to be around. To some people you are a entertainment for the evil within themselves and nothing is better to meet people who are far from these type of people you are the co creator of your life remove these people out your life and watch how some people can really be that what will never be found in people who take advantage of your mentally then play victim due to the fact that they believe family I God but it’s God that bring beauty from ashes, healing from undeserving pain and just because it’s a member of your family means nothing just like a family who adopts a child they can careless what the original has to say it’s always up to that family and when the child gets older like any mature adult the ball and the choice is in your court if problems arises from staying away and say no than you will know that peace healthy respectful peace not needing to agree is a mature way of doing things because your life is your own and not the people from which you came from and that true more importantly your soul has no family as well. Be beautiful you and accept no one’s bs when it comes to your mind, body and soul knowing what’s good for you. Peace should always be found even in your walking away and no fight for you self love and be at peace because love can be found away from such people and loving yourself more is a better way may power of God flow through your veins so you will know what needs to stay deeply connected to always and that’s not family.

   3. Brilliantly said, brilliantly thought through… Thank you so much for your vulnerability, and sharing of your heart

      This is the first year I chose to not send any Christmas cards or presents to two of my children, and my grandchildren they have. In doing so it was like ripping off my arms, but I need to let go of these two relationships, as sending presents and cards and letters are like sending my heart down into a black hole to never be seen again. I never receive a response, or a thank you card, nor do I have any idea if they have received anything I send them, or the children…
      With my other three children, I have tried my best to reconcile the lack of parenting skills I had with them growing up, their hearts have been open and very generous to receive my apologies… They also have a clear understanding of the work that I have put into my life, and continue to, once I found out I had PTSD, stemming from from rapes, beatings, and almost being murdered in my early 20s
      My thoughts are these, which I’d like to share…

      We all grew up with pictures of ourselves, and pictures of others which we put a framework around, we do so to evaluate who we are, and others. That is all well finding good if people continue to stay the same, but fortunately most people grow and try to better ourselves throughout life… With that being the case, all of us need to continue help reevaluate the frame i.e. framework which we continue to evaluate the pictures that we have of people we have in our lives. By doing so we gain a clearer perspective of who people are present day, and who they are reaching forward to become… We don’t keep them in a stagnant place, or perspective… We see them as who they are and who they are desiring to become

      I stand up and applaud my sons for continually re-evaluating the framework that they have around the they have of picture of me, for allowing me a lot of grace and a lot of mercy as I continually am reaching forward discovering who I truly am and who I was created to be… ❤️

   4. So do I. I learned after 35 years and a cancer diagnosis to sever ties with toxic family including my husband who physically, emotionally and mentally. abused me throughout the marriage. Some of my kids learned from him that I was a punching bag. I severed ties with them too. I only surround myself with good, loving people and I don’t miss the abusers in my life. I also don’t feel guilty. It’s a shame, but what can you do? It’s better to be alone than to live with abuse.

   5. This article was very well written and describes my experience in walking away from a toxic family to a T.
      One of the best articles I have read.

   6. This article was wonderfully written ! I appreciate this article because this is my journey now and , I am loving the fact that I am loving me now!!! You never know your father might outlive her and, you may get a chance to be with him again! Be encouraged and know that Jesus Christ loves you!

   7. Teresa, I found article soooooooo helpful I have recently stopped contact with a sibling and was feeling
      a bit uncomfortable about the situation, but after reading your article really helpful me. It was almost as if
      you were writing about my situation. It’s only in recent years that I realised my sibling was toxic and kept excusing her behaviour. She appeared jealous of me ,but with no reason to be jealous.
      She had damaged my relationship with most of my family and your are quite right when you say that
      you lose other family relationships as well. However, since I made a decision to walk away. I feel mentally better. It’s going to take time to push her to the back of my mind and allow the hurt to heal.
      I thank you for such a well written article that has helped put my mind on the right thinking track.

   8. I just want to say thank you ! I just moved a few months ago, I moved back home next to my parents 22 years ago. My wife and I had 4 children together, My father told me I never amount to anything as a child, I grew up believing that. After having a successful family and career now I’m better than everyone else(according to my father) I’m a pastor, retired at 50 from the state I live in, and pursuing other careers. I have a sibling who is worse than my father, and has adopted a child to teach those same evil tendencies(And has brung to evil men/mates into her life to encouraged the mess). I’m glad were free, please dont wait till your 30,40, or 50 plus years old, get out as soon as possible.

   9. It is as if you have been there on the sidelines watcing the very dynamics of my toxic family. Thank you!

   10. I am in bit of a pickle with family. They never supported me, have always emotionally abused me, always talked down to me, anything i ever tried or or tried to accomplish i was always called an asshole, stupid even at times a cunt. When it came to meeting guys they always needed fixing but i would end up getting my heart broken. I just recently learned after being with a narcissist that i do in a away have codependent issues. I have finally moved on from all the losers I have dated over the years but, now its time to get away from my toxic family. I am 38 have no money, living paycheck to paycheck, have student loan debt, have been in an out out of work and in between jobs. I can’t afford rent on my own and with my credit i won’t qualify. I feel so lost and refuse to go back to a shelter and I don’t have many friends and mostly all of them are out of state, married and got their own stuff going on. I feel like a failure and don’t know what to do at this point and really at a loss at this point 😔

   11. Thank you so much for putting this out there for others. I am in the midst of no contact with my mother(coming up on a yr). I just want to block her/move etc but she uses my kids as ammo ..I am keeping them from her etc. Both kids have opted to not make contact but she believes that I am lying. I have set boundaries that she keeps trying to violate (today is Xmas and she just demanded to speak to the kids). Conflicted but its the same issues just happens to be a holiday. Pls send help I’m struggling 😪.

   12. This was exceptionally well written !

   13. I needed to hear this. I am 70 years old with an 87 year old mom. My half sister has blocked all communication between us. My mother is in very frail health . She has blocked my calls. I don’t know why except she is very jealous of my. My relationship with my mom has been a very tumultuous one. I need to see her before she dies. I have some health issues and am afraid to go there because of blood pressure issues. If i go it will be s scene. My mom wants to see me. Not sure what to do

   14. These words have helped me so much xx

2. This article was timely for me. It is really hard to let go especially if it is a family remember. You will feel guilty but for my own sanity, I have decide. This article was well written and very helpful. Kudos to Corrine!

   1. I’m glad it was helpful. Choosing to let go of anyone, let alone a family member is not an easy decision but it can be necessary. Self-preservation is the key to holding onto your own self-worth and happiness. Know that it gets easier, Hang in there!

      1. Exactly, sometimes we need to cut ourselves off from someone that hurts us, I may forgive but never ever forget, my sister is law is a real B with a Itch too, it doesn’t matter what I do it’s never right, sadly enough we are gng out with them to a family party this wednesday, literally feel like staying home’
         any ideas to this would be greatly appreciated, she always tries to tell me how to clean the kitchen @ work, I am 43, I certainly don’t need her advice also half the time, she doesn’t follow up & what is the point of changing when she’s not often out there to know

      2. Right. My problem was my older sister. She takes every opportunity to shame me for taking vacations no matter how cheap. She has called me a kept woman because I have a husband and marriage of 32 years. I haven’t called her back since the last call in which she went on and on that we got vacations and other hard working people don’t. Haven’t heard from her since August 2018. I thought of calling her, but why? She crosses boundaries and finds a way to push her political agenda.

3. I am slowly realizing how toxic my in-laws are towards my husband and myself and wanting to help him let go and realize that he is so much more valuable then the way they treat him. It’s hard to watch him go thru the struggle of wanting their approval but being verbally abused instead.

   1. Hi Maria, as hard as it may feel to let go of family or anyone at all, you have to put yourself and your husband has to put his own happiness first. Men especially, in my experience, just “put up with it” and can act like it doesn’t affect them… but it does. Unless you take a bold step, it can eat you from the inside out and will erode your happiness, your perception of yourself, and your relationships. Learning to put ourselves first is so hard – why is this!?! – because we don’t want to rock the boat but my experience is that letting go of darkness, in the end, will bring so much more light in your life. Good Luck!

4. thank you Corrine for this article, I enjoyed it and got so much information from it. I went thru this with my ex husband already and am about to go thru it with more people. It is not an easy road but you have to do what you have to do.

5. Thank you so much for this article. It was very timely for me. I also went no contact with my mother, sister and brother after my father passed away. It has been a painful journey and there was unexpected fall out as you mentioned. However, it was absolutely the right thing for me to do to heal and for my husband and two boys. I am present for them know and living a full life, which was previously all consumed by the drama and hurt resulting from my toxic family of origin. I can see things now more clearly and with less anger and hurt. I continue to wonder why from time to time and I guess the why is something i will never understand as I could never do what my mother has done to me, to my own children. In any event, thank you again for this article.

   1. Its like a weight is lifted and the clouds clear when you start living a life surrounded by people who love and respect you isn’t it? I know there are many cycles of grief and anger but as each passes, they become less and less. Each cycle gives you more peace and acceptance of the past. When you have a good heart, it’s easy to wonder WHY and how the past could have been changed especially as a parent and have your own children. There is a point of acceptance where you just realize a toxic person can’t get past the fork in the road because they’re unhealthy, choose to be this way, live for the drama and are will forever be incapable of moving towards becoming whole. The fact that you took the steps to help yourself heal and live in a better space is incredible!

   2. This is Shannon Again. My last post was from November of 2017. No contact really is a journey and a grieving process. It takes years, but it does get easier. I’m proof of that. My life is so much better now that I broke the contact with my mom, sister and brother. The self doubt still rears it’s head from time to time, but it passes and each time it gets easier. Each time I remember why I broke the ties. How almost 5 years ago now I decided to take my power back, to protect myself, my husband and my two boys, to respect myself! I am actually the strong one in my family, but the scapegoat in my family nonetheless. When I took this giant step forward in my life, relationships in all areas of my life changed. When you don’t respect yourself, no one will respect you. And conversely, when you respect yourself others will respect you at home and at work. It’s a painful transition, but life changing and well worth it. It’s a choice. You can either go on being the kicking post for relatives who do not act in a caring or respectful way (regardless of why) and will not miss you when your gone. You can be a victim for the rest of your life. OR, you can take responsibility for your life and make changes so that you can have a good life. YES, they will vilify you, but as time passes and you move on so will everyone else. Good luck to everyone on this journey and I so appreciate this post and the comments.

      1. Thank you Shannon, I have been trying to let go for 2 years now. Extremely painful on a spiritual level as I can see the lineage of abuse the women in my family have endured, it just gets passed down and I feel such sadness.
         I am on a thin string as I feel my life light dwindling over letting go of my family. I’ve realized the years of manipulation and neglect, so painful.
         You seem to have a good grip on this and I’m so happy for you. I can only pray at this point, I’m really feeling defeated. Would you be open to communicating with me?

6. Hi Corinne,
   I know this article is old but the relevance isn’t! Both my parents are dead, but the toxicity which is my mother’s legacy lives on. I’ve raised my children out of the green glare of bad family ties but that was with cutting out contact with most of my siblings. Still the bad ones use all kinds of channels to try and get through the protective force field Ive built around my children. I know I can’t control this, my children are adults, but the mom in me wants to warn them, especially since these toxic people can pose as wolves in sheep’s clothing! Anyway, thanks for a good read that helps me know I’m not alone in this situation.

   1. I think honesty is the best policy in this situation. Sit down with your children and explain why you’ve cut ties and your fears if these family members reach out and contact your children. I know one day I will be in your position when my children are grown, but as long as you are honest, communicate and have a good relationship with your children built on trust and communication, even though young, they will lean on you for guidance and trust your judgement.

      1. Is there anyone here that can share their email. I need an advice on something and today things just got worse.

      2. You can always email corinne (at) thepragmaticparent (dot) com

      3. I am having such a mom ….gaining guts to leave her alone…guilt trips are haunting me.,.how she will survive after I will leave her…but she never thinks of me n my emotions… I have lost my father last November 2017…I m married but my mom hates insults me n my husband daily…I m tolerating since my 10 th class…but I never realised the fact that mom can be like this…but now near my 29th age I m realising whole problem is not with me not me but my mother is…still confused how can I leave her n restore my life…pls help with your suggestions…thanks…

      4. Wow! Going thru that right now. At some point you question yourself because that is what they all think of you. That you are a liar. That you are the family problem. I cut ties with my toxic parents December 27th. And thru the grapevine there are flare ups that make things worse and set my recovery back. I feel guilt because they are both up there in age and not doing well. Today I was so upset after a messaging session with my brother, I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed.

7. Growing up, I was the one at the butt of everyone’s jokes. When I made a comment to try stand up for myself, they’d all gang up and ridicule me. I’d overhear them putting my persona down and when I’d walk in the room, they’d make personal jokes and laugh. I pretended not to notice but of course I did. I recently stopped going to family gatherings as I’d always end up in tears after I’d left. It’s a horrible feeling to feel as though I do not belong. I’m not interested in joining in their negative gossip. If ever I spoke of my feelings, they’d mock me and it would backfire so I learnt to just take it and be silent. It wasn’t until a few years ago I discovered I’m what you call the scapegoat of the family; the one everyone puts down to make themselves feel better. My mum was the only one who unconditionally loved me and we were like best friends. She is now an angel in heaven. I attempted staying in contact with my siblings by visiting and then decided to stop contacting them to see if they cared at all but they never went out of their way to stay in contact. Before passing, my mother disclosed to me she’d kept it to herself so as not to hurt my feelings that my sister always gossips and says nasty things about me in my absence. That hurt to hear although I kind of suspected it already. My sister, over the years, made it her mission to get close to all my friends. I got tired of wondering what nasty things she had concocted. My friends are no longer my friends – they are hers. She had her friends and me, mine. Now she has her friends plus has lured my friends. I stopped contact with those friends as I’m not interested in playing my sisters games. I’ve made new friends. If I stop contact all together with my family by not returning calls etc, they will only just continue with what they’ve already done so far my whole life which is belittle me. I know they will project everything onto me as it dismisses them from taking any responsibility of being bullies. I wonder if they’re even aware of their behavior because whenever they’d see me upset from their ridicule it didn’t seem to concern them at all. I was born into the family as well, why do they treat me like they do? The energy feeling inside my solar plexus area is so heavy and I feel nausea when I think of letting go completely but I think it’s time. The thought of going to the next gathering makes me feel anxious and worry how they’ll treat me. It doesn’t seem worth it to go just for their entertainment.

   1. Listen to YOU and how people make you feel. If they belittle and manipulate you, make you feel badly about yourself and hurt you, whether it’s family or not, this is a toxic relationship. You may feel obligated to stay in touch with your family because they are family, but it doesn’t sound like their behavior is going to stop anytime soon. Do you want to live your life this way? Do you want to be unhappy and hurt for the rest of your life? If you disconnect from these toxic people, in time you will be able to create your own “family” with friends and others who support, love and encourage you, not the opposite.

   2. Hi Tess, I’m so sorry your family doesn’t treat you better and see how much they hurt you. Even after expressing how they make you feel, they still continue to hurt you… and while it’s your family, they don’t seem worthy of your love since they can’t respect you and treat you kindly. Toxic people won’t stop their behavior so it’s up to you to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Toxic people love hurting others and as much as you believe their behavior will stop, there is very little chance it will. I’m sorry to say that. Look how it makes you feel, you’re anxious, worried, hurt and literally sick to your stomach thinking about spending time with them for the holidays. Now, imagine your life without that negativity. Imagine being surrounded by people who know you’re fantastic and love you, support you and are positive. You are in charge of your life and you get the choice of who you allow in your circle, will you allow people who treat you well or who treat you badly? Do you want to go throughout the rest of your life being hurt and ridiculed and feeling quite sick to your stomach or can you take a leap of faith and know that you can find a new group of friends who become your family, and who will see how amazing you are and love you exactly as you are?

   3. My family was much the same growing up. I was called names like stupid dozy idiot. I did so much of the work because I wanted them to like me. It didn’t matter I was even sexually assaulted by two of my brothers. as soon as I was old enough I moved very far away. But then I repeated the cycle by marring an alcoholic. Which was emotionally abusive. But since my husband did not treat me with respect they didn’t either. Especially my oldest daughter, but she was very sneaky about it. when I decided to leave my husband my children were so angry and hated me. It has been several and I have moved on and remarried and I am at last very happy and treated with respect. But two of my daughters won’t let it go. One in particular. go’s so far as to tell people my husband is a child molester. This is hurtful as I was abused as a child and I would never ever except this in a husband. But she knew that too. I do realize I was an enabler as I wanted them to have a better life than me. But enough is a enough! In the last couple of years the stress has gotten me sick with Breast cancer, high blood pressure and Arthritis my doctor told me that stress could kill me. But you know when I told my daughter I had breast cancer she told me that my grand children all though I deserved it. Then she went on to tell everyone how upset she was so everyone felt sorry for her. The final straw came when my granddaughter called me and told me I was selfish and it wasn’t all about me.
      I then realised I just can’t win. So I stopped talking to them. And yes its very hard but I don’t always dread the phone calls or messaging. I still have my other children who love their mummy to death and I give them all my love ……..

8. Hi 🙂

   Are these people ill? Or would it be a lack of love?

   I ask this because I used to lie a lot. I was an angry, sad child. This went on until I was about 16. Then one day I said to myself, I can’t keep hurting these people I love. Since then I’ve never lied.

   I am turning 30 in Dec and I’ve finally been able to break away from the toxicity. The three men i have ever loved; my father, brother, and X, have all been blocked and removed from my world because I will not accept any excuse for their behavior. I’ve done it my whole life with family, and spent the last 8 years enabling the X. I think when you love someone, you do whatever it takes to show them love. No one changes over night, but when there’s a will there’s a way.

9. Thank you so much for this article. I have recently been attempting to separate ties with my sister, who is extremely toxic, and continuously plays herself as the victim. This article is a wake-up call for me and perfectly describes everything I’ve gone through with her. As I cut ties she is attempting to pull my parents onto her side and is succeeding. She uses things like “I’ve tried to kill myself because of you” and absolutely uses family ties to try and pull me back in. This article was seriously a breath of fresh air to know that I’m not the crazy one and that it is OK to cut ties for my own sanity and happiness.

   Thank you SO MUCH again for this.

   1. As hard as it is breaking ties with family, I always think… “would I keep a friend around who treats me like this? would I work with someone who treats me like this?” and the answer is always no. Disconnecting from anyone treats us badly and is toxic to our happiness, whether family or not, will always be the right choice. No amount of self-sacrifice just because it’s your sister will keep her or you happy. Wishing you peace and clarity!

10. This is exactly what I’m goong through with my first cousin. Every time she calls me, it’s always something negative coming out her mouth and when I give her positive advice or tell her to pray about it, she will hang up or look at me like I’m crazy. Almost like, she want me to say something negative back! She can call me and I’m listening to gospel and enjoying my day and she will start cursing and taking so negative. It’s very draining considering I’m trying to live a positive life and surround myself with positive people. The thing is, neither of us have sisters so basically we are sisters and our family is small. I sometimes feel myself wanting to go off but I try to remain calm since I’m the oldest and she say she looks up to me. But she is very manipulative l, plays victim, negative, she literally find negativity in every situation of her life. After yesterday, I realized that this will not change and I’m tired of my mood going down whenever I talk to her. The question is , how do I approach her now and begin removing her from my life. P.s. we have a girls day trip coming up next summer with two other friends, so avoidance is almost impossible.

11. This article was spot on. To give you a brief backdrop of my situation – I grew up with two older siblings and a younger one. My biological Dad raised us and was not theirs but raised us all as his own until he and my Mom parted ways. The parting was due to a bad relationship in which they both contributed. However, both of my older sisters sided with my Mom and would always bash my Dad in my presence. Additionally, I became the Blacksheep with my Mom and two older sisters. Eventually, my sisters were out on their own as adults and still being a child, I eventually went to live with my Dad in a different State. Eventually, my Mom married still having my younger sister and had minimal contact with me throughout my high school years. I was hurt and when I would bring this up to my older siblings they made me feel like the bad guy and that I was making all of it up.

    Through it all, I turned out to be successful; however, I still wanted to have a relationship with my family. Like mentioned earlier in the article, I was always the last to know things like family gathering times and locations, the target of passive aggression by one of my older siblings and the other would simply ridicule me when I would speaking up for what my Mom was doing to me. My mom presently makes it a priority to remind us of everyone’s Birthday but rarely contacts me on my Birthday or Father’s Day. This behavior even channeled down to my children. My Mom would never keep my children but would always keep the children of my older sibling and younger sister. There are so many stories that I could give but it would almost comprise of a book. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Thanks for listening

    I recently realized how this has affected me as a person, husband, father and friend. For years I wanted to cut ties but thought it was irrational due to the beleif that you always stick by family because no family is perfect. I no longer see it that way and need to protect myself and family because it isn’t going to change. I would greatly appreciate your input and how and what to expect when I proceed to distance myself to pursue a better life. Input is welcomed.

    1. Clayton, you sound like an incredible Father. It wasn’t until I became a parent too that I understood what a toxic person my mother is and all the pain and suffering she caused, and that I would do anything to protect my children from the same wounds. Now that you have children, distancing yourself can cause a toxic person will be hard. They can get angry, become persistent at reaching you, say they’ll change (but they usually don’t), and try every trick in the book to get you to come back – and it can go on for years. Stay strong and don’t be guilted by doing what is best for your happiness and your family to thrive. Guilt will be the big emotion they try to target you with, but YOU have nothing to feel guilty about severing ties. If you have to, maybe change all forms of connection like phone, email, block deliveries, etc so the message is clear and cut & dry.

       Treating children and grandchildren differently and to the extreme, is actually very common with a toxic person. They look at their children as a sort of ranking system; best to worst, strongest to weakest, what they can gain the most to the least and common terms you’ll see are golden child, scapegoat, etc. It’s terrible parenting at it’s absolute worst, and incredibly hurtful to everyone on the scale, but especially the scapegoat who can never be good enough, do the best, perform to standards, achieve, etc.

       Go live your life with joy and happiness and don’t for a second feel bad for letting go of someone who is toxic enough to treat you, your family and children without respect or love. xo

12. I ended my relationship with my mom a year ago. Since then I have been experiencing grief. I was wondering if you went though it to? I have looked on line for help with it. I can to seem to find any answers.

    1. Yes, the grief is part of the healing process. It’s different for everyone as far as what you feel and how long it takes but the cycle of grief, anger, anguish, sadness will keep cycling until you have sifted through all your emotions and memories and come to a place of release. It can take years, but from personal experience, what I know is that each round of emotions will become less and less. The grief you’re experiencing, may not be missing your Mom per say, it could be grieving the Mother you never had or wish you had. It could be seeing your own children with our a loving Grandma. It could be wanting to have the whole family experience at Christmas, but there is an emptiness. You don’t grief for the relationship you lost, you grieve for what you should have had and what you wish you would have and how you want things to be different. Hang in there, the healing process takes time and helping yourself heal from all the wounds you have buried inside. xo

    2. my mom died recently–did i grieve ??? not in the least—i suffered a lifetime of verbal abuse from her—only glorified sibling–i meant nothing–she even attacked and told lies about my husband–called him a wife beater to who would listen–then sibling thinks she can continue with the abuse since mom dies–i said good-bye and cut ties…..

13. Thank you so much for this. It’s just what I needed to hear today.

14. This was a very good article. I am currently estranged from siblings, which has actually improved my relationship with my parents. My parents are positive and supportive, while my siblings are manipulative, immature and excluding. I’m the youngest in my family, so I’m not sure if it’s jealously or just a strong dislike of me because I’m the different one. I was single a long time and tolerated the abuse. Now that I have a family of my own, I will not allow them (Husband and child) to be disrespected just because they happen to be in this dysfunctional situation (by default of being with me.) I love my parents and see them often, but feel no true connection with the others. It’s a sad situation, but I always feel the negative energy when we have been in their presence in the past. It’s clear we are not welcome or one of them, which is truly for the best. It makes me more thankful for my parents and our small, loving family!

    1. This sounds so similar to what I’m currently going through! I’m the youngest of 3 girls and my sister’s have always bullied and ridiculed me. I was always considered shy because they would make fun of anything I said. It’s only when I went to uni that I realised it wasn’t me, it was just fear of ridicule and reprisal. My friendships are amazing so I don’t think it’s me. My parents always put it down to sibling rivalry as though it was normal and I believed them for so long. 5 years ago I came down with ME and it’s really forced me to face the negativity. They call me lazy and sellfish because I am bedbound for months of end so can’t go to their kids birthdays and now I’m getting married they keep making comments as though he won’t be there forever but they will so I need to try harder for them. They expect the world and in return give absolutely nothing but negativity. I know my parents will side with them, nobody seems to understand ME (my condition) despite my efforts of putting all the energy I have into trying to answer their questions and help them to understand. All they see is that I am not able to go to many family functions anymore. It feels as though by trying to rid the negativity I might lose my whole extended family too. It’s difficult I don’t know how you had the courage to cut ties but I’d love any tips. Apologies for the length, I didn’t realise how much I needed to vent!

15. Wow! I feel so relieved to not be the only person with this experience, you have articulated my sitution perfectly. This year at the age of 46 I let go of my mother and everything you said happened and more. I no longer have excrutiating headaches which were an almost daily occureance and I had believed were due to an undiagnosed, undetectable illness. My Dad passed away 5 years ago and with hindsight I can see what she does to me she had done to him but I was under her spell and saw him as the “Bad one” so never had the relationship with him I could of had, This Christmas will be my first Christmas without “my mother and her groupies” and after reading your article I feel confident and somewhat positive about that.
    Thank you

    1. Its like my story….

16. Thank you for the article, parts that aren’t covered I am hoping to find answers to, may not be answers but maybe even reassurance that I am doing the right thing, I have walked away from my entire side of the family as my mother has manipulated and lied to everyone, so my mere presence makes them mad, talk behind my back and the list goes on from there, the part I am hoping to find help and reassurance about is when one of them passes away, I know that part will make it even harder emotionally and what would I do when that time comes? someone recently brought this up, they said “you won’t feel the burden till the time death comes and you weren’t there” I don’t know what to say, how would I feel? I will likely blame myself.. today on Christmas day, I had to make myself clear once again over the phone, I got hung up on.. I feel even worse. help please.. this is my entire family on my side.

    1. Letting go of someone who is toxic is not without grief and periods of questioning yourself. But, if you go back to allowing this person, and other family who enable her into your life, then will sacrificing your own happiness until she passes help you live without guilt when that time comes? Is it worth it to endure for so long? What is that going to do to you? Standing up for yourself against abuse, even if you’re the only one who knows the truth, feels like an uphill battle… until times passes and you notice how much happier you are. How much better your life is. How good things bloom. If you want to test the waters, set your hard boundaries and see if she can respect them. If she can’t, you know what you should do in your heart.. and if she does, that would be wonderful.

17. Great read! perfect TIMING.
    I am in the process of having a family member (Nephew- 22 yrs old) move out of my home. I’m in a constant state of anxiety with him in my home.
    His sister (33 yrs old) is in the house as well and I feel will be the fall out you wrote of; but I will accept it.

    I can no longer allow my home , health and happiness to be poisoned by this young man. His father ( my brother) passed and prior to him passing called me asking me to look out for his son, this is not what I signed on for.
    I’m starting to feel hate and I can not allow that to grow in me.
    He has stole from me, does’t work, won’t take trash out, I could go on for hours.
    I resent the position I’m forced into. I open my home to him and the pay off is horrible.

    1. Never feel guilty for putting your happiness first on the priority list! All the negative feelings you may have such as anger, resentment, frustration, etc. can build and create a lot of unhappiness and negative emotions inside of you, but it sounds like you recognize this and are dealing with it before things worsen. That’s a huge step. Someone who can’t see what a blessing you are for helping and taking him into your home, may need to figure life out on his own in order to truly appreciate your kindness.

18. Hi, I enjoyed this article and I have done the same with my family. I am married to a wonderful hard working man but he has one flaw, his love for his drug addicted twin. His twin has committed numerous instances of identity theft against my husband that has cost us money, a couple of hours in jail for my husband, continually having to prove to courts that they have the wrong person and loss of points on husband driving record which is sad because he is a truck driver. My husband won’t ever press charges and always forgives his brother. I constantly tell him to give his brother consequences at the very least but to no avail I feel like I’m nagging. When we argue, it’s about his brother as I always tell him he can’t possibly love you if he keeps hurting you because of his drug addiction. We have a set of twins together and I feel like his brother is putting my family under emotional and financial stress. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like this situation will never change.

    1. Tasha,
       Unfortunately, you need to give your husband a.consequene if he doesn’t change. That means you need to move out and PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!!! You are currently being a passive parent and it’s as bad as the things your husband is doing. If he doesn’t stop, get OUT. Sorry this sounds so harsh but you are allowing your husband to behave this way by tolerating it. You and doing to your husband exactly what he is doing to his brother.

19. Hi, your article was very empowering, my husbands twin brother is toxic to not only my husband but also to the family that we built together. My husband’s twin has commited identity theft numerous times against my husband, but he never presses charges and he always forgives him. We not rich people and live pay check to paycheck. My husband has paid back numerous banks and loans because of his brother using his name, even being garnished. I am so frustrated because we have two children and I feel like their well being is compromised ever time. When I suggest that he cut his brother off, he gets mad and says to stop talking about it and if I don’t like it I can leave. I am currently in school and he is a hard worker and I know that loves us but his love for his brother is dangerous for my family. I don’t know what to do what if he gets garnished again because of his brother. I love my husband, he is loyal and a good man but I don’t know how much more I can take.

20. I also have been in this position with my family. My divorced parents created chaos and I was often the person who heard their troubles and absorbed their anger. This started at a very young age, about 10 years old.
    Fortunately I had other positive roles models and began to understand the difference between reality and their misguided perception. As you said, at a certain point the “why” does not matter.
    A friend of mine once made a comment about a relationship he had with a certain woman. He was crazy about her and always had a warm place in his heart for her even though the romantic relationship didn’t work out. When I asked if he had heard from her he said she had a “revisionist history” version of what had happened.
    This was a very “aha” moment for me. There is a certain type of individual who, for whatever reason, will re-write history. This happened to me recently. The person offered to do something nice for me, which I thought was very generous of them. I did not say yes immediately, but thanked them. I thought it over and when I finally said “yes”, all of a sudden the story changed. It was as if I had asked something impossible when, in fact, they had done the offering.
    In my mind, if the person has second thoughts about what they have offered, a simple “I’m sorry, I made a mistake. I can’t do it” is sufficient. None of us is Superman or Superwoman and gets everything right all the time. To blame the other person instead of honestly taking personal responsibility is abusive. I was thinking to myself “didn’t she just say such and such?” And of course she had.
    Revisionist history! It will make you go crazy if you let it. And it is a form of manipulation and abuse.
    I told this person – “Gee – you are the one who offered it to me. Don’t make it seem like I am asking for the world. If the circumstances changed and you simply can’t do it, just say so.”
    Make no mistake about it these are very toxic people and the little white lies they create to “cover” themselves only create confusion and hurt feelings.
    Thank you for your very interesting and “real” article. It is scary walking around in a world where my reality comes into question. I am a very intuitive person and when someone tells me an “untruth” that is deliberate (or just a bad habit they have gotten into), I reject it.
    I had certain family relationships where I just had to step back and realize the price I was paying to “belong” was too steep. I say “no thank you”.
    It is interesting that at a certain point many of the most oppressive in the group are the only ones who still speak to one another. They are all good at that “game”. Personally, I don’t have the energy for it. I know my personal limit and that is what I go by. Why, how, etc are questions I may never know the answers to. If it hurts me, I don’t do it. If it requires me to fight and argue to defend my own reality, I don’t do it. I find it too hurtful and exhausting. I just withdraw from that circle. It is difficult, but liberating.

21. I have a toxic sibling-my older sister.
    Whenever she gets the chance she will become very judgemental of me and use verbal abuse.
    A recent example : I had a misunderstanding with another sibling.I apologized and he accepted.My sister told him what a “man” he was but never praised me for apologizing.
    She sent a text berating me before my apology., saying horrible things.
    Awhile later the same day she texted me to talk about the weather.
    I am done with her.Shes been like this for years with me.

22. The Arrival of Today

    A Mother’s Lament

    I woke with a dream-filled head and stumbled into my day with the hope of witnessing something special — something that will fill my lungs and mind with sustenance.

    I fill my empty watering can and walk to my garden to see if perhaps combining duty with happenstance will reveal an event, but nothing gives rise to the occasion.

    I pull the sand deposited by the snow plow away from a small plant. It is pathetic — just like me.

    The black flies flutter around my eyes and ears, momentarily paralyzing those senses, while seeking to be fortified at my expense — I am not hospitable.

    Today, like many other days, I hope to find the courage to step out of the dark, confining shadow of an orchestrated fate into the bright, immeasurable vastness of an unexamined future.

    I shall attempt to accomplish this by not rehearsing the usual dialogue that maybe I should have done something different, like others purport to do, as if to be exempt from circumstance.

    I am sorry, my son, that I was unable to champion above the machinations that charted for us, without empathy or remorse, the course of our destinies. It is my desire, through knowledge and understanding, to be reunited with you, but you are lost to me for now amidst our designated legacy of betrayal and grief!

    I know that it is unreasonable that I should expect for you, in your youth, to triumphantly defy the odds; to somehow validate my existence while struggling to define your own life — for it has taken me a lifetime to arrive at today!

    I think for today that I shall seek peace and solitude in the landscape for which I cherish, and fill the futility of my day with words spoken from my heart. I love you and I miss you, my dear son!

23. Wow, so glad I found this article. I too, am in the process of cutting ties with some family members from my life. I’m ok with the fallout, in fact I welcome it! I’m tired of walking on egg shells and always being the one with a smile on my face. My biggest obstacle is I work with my brother and his wife who are toxic to me. Any suggestions on how to deal would be greatly appreciated. I really don’t want to quit, like what I do and make great money. Just sick of the lies they live and drama they create

24. Wow – this article is just in time. My mom will be the death of me. My dad divorced her 30 years ago, my sister hasn’t spoken to her in 35 years, my brother hasn’t spoken to her in 20 years accept by sending a birthday card occasionally, her own sister won’t deal with her and my relationship has been off and on. She is 81 and has no one now. So I took her on since she is physically disabled and she’s killing me day by day. She will pass soon and she would take me with her (to hell) if she could, just for spite. I let go of her two days ago. But now the guilt is tearing me up. To all who can get through this and survive … God Bless You!

    1. That’s so hard. You’re really torn between doing the right thing as a human (e.g. taking care of an elderly person who is alone) and taking care of yourself. If you can, find a therapist to help you talk through why what you did was sane and necessary, and figure out some strategies to remind yourself of the excellent and healthy reasons you did it when the guilt feels overwhelming.

25. I’ve read many article’s about how to disconnect from toxic family and this one is by far the most informational and well written. For some reason so many “experts” tend to make you feel as though coming from an abusive family and having difficulty cutting off toxic people means there’s something wrong with you.

    But the problem I have with this situation is the negative impact abusive family create when you attempt to walk away. You don’t realize the depth of toxic people’s delusions until you say no to them. Each step you take from abusive family makes those people more aggressive to keep you close. Abusive family can and will manipulate anyone to prevent you from walking away, even when and especially when you’re alright with letting them go.

26. I’m absolutely floored as to how many others are dealing with this issue.

    It helps to see that I’m not the only one, and maybe not so freaking crazy.

    The last time I saw them was when I came out to support them during a funeral for one of their parents. The day after, my mother took it upon herself to drudge up events that happened 5, 7 and 10 years ago and start screaming at me about them. When I looked up and realized that I had been the object of her screaming for almost an hour, I felt lower than human. I was already greiving as it was.

    My father was in another part of the house while this was happening, and after it was over, reached out to “talk” to me to see if I was okay. Then within a few minutes, he just simply agreed with her.

    Confusing enough…

    But then a week later he text’s me over the Labor Day weekend, to “see if I’m okay”?

    I texted him back, saying that “I was still reeling from the trip, but I was fine.”

    A few minutes later, he responded by asking questions “implying” that I have a substance abuse habit, I’m unemployed, and that I have “emotional problems” with my parents that are “self generated”.

    I work in a field that uses contracting…so despite being on a small break between jobs, my parents chose not to ask questions…but were more than eager to paint the most dysfunctional picture of me possible. Gaslighting is what they do best.

    I have had times with them where I had to distance myself a little, but this last episode nearly killed me inside, and I have no choice to impose an indefinite “time out”. Sadly, I could tell them all of the wonderful things that are in fact happening in my life, but they would never hear it. They are addicted to drama, and seeing their views superior to everyone. I have tried several times to communicate and get on the same page as them. Discussions, phone calls, writing… None have worked because they are all about control…control of the conversation, control of the subject, control of all of it. The moment a key point is presented by me, they change the subject or just attack something else about me.

    I remember coming back to work after that… I could barely think. Could barely concentrate. My appetite was shot. I was SOOOOOOO depressed and anxiety ridden. This crap has been going on for almost 20 years as an adult!!!!

    So thanks for your article and for putting some larger perspective on all this. It helps me to see clearer, throw away the “guilt”, and continue working on “Me”.

    1. You’re doing the right thing. I can recall expressing ongoing issues with my parents and others commenting that at 21 I was a little too old for issues with parents, didn’t I think? Like being around someone who still hits you was a childish problem.

       Keep working on you!!

27. I am a few weeks in to this journey, I needed to read this thank you.
    I was a young mum and this feed the abuse and control. I have lost my son who is 19 to the family I have just removed myself from. I did not fight him to prove she was not ok I will give him this time to journey for himself

    I feel I’m crying continuously inside for the grief of my son, the cycle he is also in.

    I’ve broken this and lost mum, dad my brother and my child.

    I have 2 other children 16 and 11 I have removed to protect and my 19 year old will journey back in his time

    I love him dearly everyday

    1. That sounds really difficult- you’re doing the right thing for the younger children.

28. Thank you so much Corinne for your heartfelt article. I think you covered so much of what I have been feeling since I left home. My one regret is that I was unable to start a new journey for myself forty years ago. I am still alive though, and I am finally ready to let go and embark on a new fulfilling and Happy life.

    Thank you, again, for sharing.

29. I am in a deep depression and came across this website. I can’t afford therapy anymore as my insurance does not cover it. It wasn’t helping much anyhow. She wasn’t very good.

    My family are narcissists. They are incapable of compassion for anyone but themselves. They lack empathy. They all moved to another beautiful state 25 years ago to live rent free in my fathers home and left me alone in a poor dangerous area. I was young so I figured I’d find a husband and move on someday. That never happened. Now I’m middle aged. All alone. Destitute as these jobs don’t pay enough. I also lost a job I had 2 decades and they got me out by bullying. No severance. I asked my family if I could live in my dad’s home in the pretty state and restart my life there. They said no. So did he. And my mother who is divorced from him agreed. They see me as ‘the strong one! And never help or feel bad for me.

    It took a year to find a horrible job where I am being bullied as well. I had to use all my retirement money to live and pay tax on it and now have no savings. I also recently had major surgery and had no one to take care of me. I asked my father to accompany me. He did so with attitude. Never offered money. Food. Advocated with doctor to remove body parts I did not want removed etc. it was horrible.

    I recovered alone with no calls. Offers of help. Nothing from my two siblings who bettered their life by living rent free in my dads home inna nice state. . When I beg them to help me move and tell them That I am suffering alone living in unhealthy unsafe conditions they laugh. Mock me. Block me. Say I’m negative and a downer. My sister recently called me fat sterile. And mentally ill. All lies she knows would hurt me. She married a guy with money and turned into a monster who neglects her kids. One almost went blind. Another nearly died in street after being drugged at a club. I love her kids and give them trips. Money. They are hungry. I even gave them a credit card. She has turned them against me. My extended relatives. Her ex husband against me. She portrays herself on social media as a generous wonderful mom when she’s a horrible person who doesn’t encourage them with their goals because she wants all the attention. By the way, I raised her when our cruel mom left us homeless. I was there for her when she nearly died. I’d give my life for her. I probably didn’t have my own life and family as I had the burden of helping hers. And now she has ruined my life turning everyone against me. Not that they matter as they haven’t helped me with anything. Ever. I did college etc alone. Illness alone. Unemployment alone. But she turned her 4 kids against me and I am hurting over that. She said I’m buying them. I wish she had said that 24 years ago I’d have saved airfare. Money i spent on jewelry gifts etc. tons of clothing I mail etc.

    Tomorrow I have to go to work in that bully environment. My entire life is toxic and I feel like I’m going to collapse. My sister mocks that I am alone. After she survived a near death experience that nearly killed me because I love her instead of being grateful she became even MORE selfish, self absorbed, heartless garbage who is obsessed with her internet persona.

    Please help me.

30. Thanks for this article and sharing your journey. My Mom Hurt My Feelings
    Four months after my 80 year old father passed away from a major stroke, my mum is breaking my heart and turning against me as she is falling back in with my sister who disappeared for several years after creating much havoc for the entire family. She took my parents for lots of money more than enough to buy a house but has nothing to show for it. My sister actually married my ex son-in-law.. what a nightmare. He spent two months in jail for domestic violence against her and got right back together. She has a history of this with previous six husbands. I told my mum to be careful with her after hearing of them staying out all night at a casino. I mean please don’t keep mum out until 5 a.m. gambling. It was all down hill from there. She said, oh my God and walked out of the room. Then yelled that everybody was alienating my sister and does she have to pay for the rest of her life for her mistakes. Sister has history with all four of her children that now won’t speak to her. I tried to explain that I cannot let her back in my life and even had to get a court ordered restraining order against her for verbal harassment. Trying to move on and have a relationship with mum but am afraid that this is the beginning of the end. My sister’s son (whom won’t speak to her) is coming and hopes to explain to mum why we all can’t go through more of her narcissistic behavior. Feeling so lost to think of how hard I have worked for a good life and family to only be put in the same boat as a self centered irresponsible immature baby sister of 51 years old. At one time she even said that she didn’t think our dad was her father. How hurtful for him to be told that. I miss him so much and grieve for him and grief for my mum losing him after 60 years of marriage. Now going through a nightmare of her hurtful behavior toward me. Is it time to let go, I think it may be the only option. ?

31. Great article, well written and insightful. Excellent responses from others as well- wishing everyone strength on their journey.

    My sister and I are very successful executives and are both over 50. You’d think this stuff would pass with time- but it just goes to show, if you don’t deal with it, it just festers. She’s struggled with a divorce and loneliness and I got very sucked into supporting her emotionally. After a few years, it became apparent that it would never, ever be enough. She’s never gotten over the irresponsible and cruel comments our mother made throughout our childhood with the intention of pitting us against each other. She literally cannot see me except through the lens my mother handed her of jealousy and victimhood. In this screwed up story, I’m the one to whom everything was handed (just like my mom’s playbook with her own older sister) and my younger sister was encouraged to “poor me” her way through everything. This is my mom recreating her own sister relationship for us- just peachy, thanks. She’s been to tons of therapy, but all it’s done is give her new tools to describe her victimization. She has no intention of leaving it behind. I’ve been to doctor’s appts with her only to hear her flat out lie about what was said to sound more sympathetic/pathetic. And she stares me down, almost challenging me to call her out. I’m expected to play along 100% if I want to show I love her.

    She tells me that she has PTSD- from watching our father hit ME. “You have no idea how traumatizing it was for me to see you being hit.” This is true, I only know how traumatizing it was to be hit constantly by my father while you watched. She has told me cruel things others have said under the guise of protecting me (nope, you just wanted to see me cry and chose a European vacation on which to do it so I would be less likely to get up and leave), said she wished I was a WIDOW so that I would be totally free to travel with her ( my incredibly kind, patient and helpful husband who has never been anything but a prince to her- she was just tired of having to take him into consideration at all when demanding all of my time). She has a neurosis about everything that I must accommodate- she’s afraid of animals, flame (yes, matches, etc), perfume, make up, clothing stores with too much clothing, furniture stores with too much furniture (except the perfume and makeup she likes and the clothes and furniture store SHE wants to go to), the list goes on and on. “Didn’t I do a great job lighting those candles?” “Aren’t you proud of me for not getting upset in that store?” Uh, Ok, sure. Nice work dropping a couple thousand dollars at a store you wanted to go to.

    The capper of course came when I needed to vent about a major life issue of mine. ONE TIME. “But this doesn’t have anything to do with me” she said- that’s right, it doesn’t. She literally smashed her cell phone on the counter repeatedly because I was talking too much. Then, she realized she’d smashed her expensive phone to bits and flew into a further rage- grabbing me by the throat and pushing me onto the ground (she wanted me to shut up, see) with the most enraged look on her face. My very surprised husband had to come pull her off- and then stand in front of her because she was pushing at him, trying to get at me again. I kid you not.

    The icing on the cake- she realized she’d really, really screwed up and she wasn’t going to be able to put the genie back in the bottle. So she decided to tell her daughter (only child, estranged from father and no cousins, etc except our kids) THAT I HIT HER. How’s that for gaslighting?

    And even though I’m periodically righteously indignant (see above) about the whole thing 9 months later, I honestly still miss her, or at least the idea of her and who we could have been to each other. But, I know that she could never ever apologize or take accountability for what she did because she has to maintain her image of herself for herself. So, she goes to the Dr and lies about what he/she says, goes to the therapist and lies about what she does, and lies to her only child about the violence she learned to use from our father. She’s loaded herself up on anti-anxiety drugs and drinks like a fish- excellent combo. I’m quite sure she’s physically addicted to the benzos after 3+ years. She’s not in a good way and there’s not a single thing I can do for her. I can only protect myself from her violence and toxicity. And that sucks.

32. Hello….Just read everyone’s comments and I too am thankful for this article. I myself have gone through years of family drama dealing with a manipulative sister and other siblings that just because they have not been done what has been done to me and my other sibling from this sister, we are the crazy ones so to say. Any suggestions from anyone whom has been through this but does not have any children of their own. Places to build a support system network outside of family. Thanks and prayers and blessings for everyone.

    1. Hi Carrie – I too have walked away. I have a husband who came from a similar family background and he walked away from it too. We have two children but even still it is really hard to build a support system. I have often thought of creating a website to connect people in similar circumstances in hopes that people in close proximity might establish outings and friendships to support eachother. I think about how nice it would be to spend holidays with others in the same boat. I hope you seek out others and know you are not alone. Hang in there.

33. Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. It took me a very long time to detach from my mother and in the process I lost my sister and my grandmother as well. It has only been 4 months since I made the permanent decision to detach, for the sake of my own well-being, and its had its ups and downs; however, I have no regrets. Reading your story was like filling up my gas tank, so to speak, so I can keep going. Much love and blessings to you and all!

34. Wow.. THANK YOU, for this wonderful article. I have been struggling for years with a very toxic sister and brother-in-law….I finally cut them free from my life exactly one year ago. She is my only sibling. It has been painful year of self-doubt and guilt….Something just clicked today to let that all go. Reading this article…really breaks down all the emotions and things we experience having to make painful decisions for self-preservation. Thank you.

35. Hey Corrine! I LOVED this article.

    I just chose to let go of my mother. My aunt passed away (she was like a loving, kind mother to me) & in the wake my real mom has gotten meaner.

    After losing my Aunt who I feel like was a real mother to me, I realize I don’t need my “actual” mother – because she ONLY hurts me.

    I have chosen to ignore her for the past month, and go No Contact. I’ve told my brothers and sisters its because of her ill-treatment of me. I have written her a letter detailing EXACTLY why I’ve chosen to do this (because of her actions) – but I have yet to send it.

    So in the meantime she continues to talk crap to the rest of my family & my brothers and sisters act super weird around me. And are always pressuring me to “forgive my mom” and accusing me of not “appreciating her” and stuff.

    So I am sad because I just actually lost my Aunt to death :/ And now I literally feel like I’m losing the rest of my family. I could definitely live without my mom. But it hurts that my brothers and sisters have all abandoned me, and I realize I must now let them go too because they are choosing to side with my mother who only plays the victim, and paints me as the bad guy.

    How do I move on from this? It hurts having no one ….I feel so alone in the world. I don’t have any good close friends. How do I find a new family?

36. WOW! This absolutely what I needed to hear! I too am struggling with my mom…my dad and sister tend to listen to her every word like it’s scripture. She’s able to justify her feelings for anything she’s done in the past, but when I try and explain my actions / feelings I’m told I’m lying and cannot be trusted. Just this past Sunday my mother told me I’m the problem in the family, and I have been for years, I create all sorts of issues with everyone. This hurt me to the core. I haven’t spoken to my sister for almost 2 years, have tried 4-5 times to speak to her to see what can be fixed. My sister won’t even respond…so that’s over for sure. My father will always take my mother’s side no matter what…he has no idea the things she’s said to me and twisted around when she relays the conversations to him. I’ve tried 4 times since the end of December to try and “fix” things and help us try and move on. All 4 times I’ve been told all of the things I’ve done wrong since I was a child. (I’m 47 now) How I should be thanking my mom for being a stay at home parent and how much drama I’ve caused over the years. I was divorced in 2006, my parents invited me (and my 7 year old daughter) to move in with them. Now they think I owe them my life and will never repay them for all they did. I’m now remarried to a wonderful man…kinda funny he saw these toxic tends with them as soon as he got to know the family.

    My sister has always been the favorite. As long as I can remember. She’s always had it harder than me in our parents eyes. Her children are now the favorites too. It’s a no win situation. My parents even warn her before my husband and I visit them…as this would be too stressful on my sister to run into me. My sister has always been stressed out…they would never want to bring her any undo stress.

    I’ve already gone through the silence treatment, losing touch with the family. There is just the 4 of us in my immediate family. Nothing I do will ever be right as everything I do I’m demanded to apologize for…my parents actually demand apologies from me, my husband and my daughter. When I do apologize she tells me that it wasn’t “sincere enough” or “that was too general of an apology” I made the decision on Sunday to walk away…take a long time away from them all. This is the most hurtful decision I’ve ever made. (much tougher than my divorce ever was)

    The comments from the other people out there that have gone through these similar situations have been a blessing to me. I feel I’m going to hell for feeling this way about my family, my flesh and blood. I’m so hurt with all this, never thought I’d ever have to go through anything like this. Especially when it comes to “family”.

    Thanks so much!

    1. Hi, my name is Vanessa and I have just read your comments! They are a few years old, but I can relate to them. I have just had to make the biggest decision of my life. I have cut off my parents and sisters and their families. It has been so toxic and I was becoming increasingly stressed, anxious and loosing my identity.
       Life shouldn’t be like this! I hope you are ok now? And that time has healed! I look forward to feeling happy again.
       🌸Vanessa

37. This article has really opened my eyes. My own mother has become very toxic since her and my father divorced. She lies, is manipulative, tries to get me to lie to my husband about what we are doing, talks bad about my father and has told her whole family hes an abuser, when i know he in fact is not. I have (for my own happiness) made the decision today to start cutting this toxic person out of my life. I am currently expecting my first baby, so i know this will be hard, but with the help of this article and the strength its given me, i wont back out. Thank you so much for writing this and putting your own experience into it! I have lost both of my brothers because of mother, so all i will have left is my father, but he is all i need.

38. What a totally self absorbed way to look at life. You’re not part of any solution here. Utter narcissism. Good luck.

    1. Removing a toxic person who verbally, emotionally and physically abused you is the ONLY solution. It’s not narcissism, it’s self preservation.

39. Thank you. My eldest sister lives in another country but the few times we see eachbother has been hurtful. The deceit and victim roles are played to an exact replication of your article. She has befriended my daughter and i have never told my daughter all the things she has fone and still does. I just pray. Shes coming for a visit and staying with my daughter. I am free! I bought tickets out of town to see my grand daughter. I have no bitterness. I forgive her. But i wont pkay her games or allow mysslf to be lied to again. Thats victory.

40. Thank you for writing this article I really needed this ???❤️ Keep up the good work
    This is truly a hard process and I’m working on it my self..

41. Thank you for writing this article. Your story and insights were so helpful and are very much appreciated. It is exactly what I needed to hear.

42. This article helped me too. I am 39. I have an almost 6 year old little boy who is wonderful. My mom was abusive (sexually, verbally, and physically), but I watched her die in hospice for a week 2,000 miles from home when my son was just 2 months old.
    My father never stood up for me while she would beat me growing up. He cheated on my mom the entire 32 yrs they were married. He divorced her when me and my younger sister were about 17 and 19. I left home at 16 to get away from her abuse but my sister remained with my dad to start college. After my parents divorce, he married his younger secretary by 20 years right away. He had been having an affair with her for years before my parents divorced. I have done everything to bend over backwards to allow him and his wife to see my child. Not once have I ever told my dad or my sister that they cannot see my child. I even named him Craig after my father. His wife, Pam, is definitely a narcissist with jealousy issues. She’s turned my dad against me for the last 15 years. It probably doesn’t help that I choked her at her wedding to my dad while she was still wearing her gown and they were getting ready to cut the cake! (Hey, it was the following day after my 35th b-day and I was really drunk!) But I have apologized on numerous occasions since then. Either way the story Remains the Same. It is to the point now where they have completely cut me out of their lives (not by my choice) and they won’t even see my son, which happens to be my dad’s only blood lineage in this world. They spend all of their time with her two grandchildren. They even have their own rooms in my father’s home. Not once did he ever have to babysit my kid. Not once did he ever offer to give me any money for my college student loans or to help raise my son. But he ended up raising Pam’s son’s children by two different women and two different failed marriages at that. It’s not only sad for me but I find it almost devastating for my son who has done nothing and I have done nothing to stop him from seeing him once again.
    They’ve called me every name under the book…crazy, etc. I’ve apologized for my actions numerous times and I owned up to my own s***. Of course they never owe me any apology and anything I try to say to make a point or defend myself is turned against me or the subject always changes. Pam gave my dad (a few years ago) an ultimatum. It’s either her or me – and after 5 years of dedicating my life to his insurance business, I was fired for no legitimate reason. And the worst part is I was on a commission only basis. So I was cut off from all my commissions and any without any money for so much as a 2 day notice.
    I’ve been so worried about what my dad thinks of me, whether or not we are on speaking terms. I have a wonderful husband and gifted son. I’m successful, have a bachelor’s degree in business, and have a beautiful home. Most people tell me to just let it go and that I am lucky. They don’t know how hard it is for me. My sister doesn’t even speak to me because of all this mess. At first I told her to lose my number but then a year later turned around and said let’s let bygones be bygones. To no avail. I allowed her to spend some free time with my child several months ago… my husband took him. When they met my son didn’t even recognize her or knew who she was. And that was AFTER he tried to school/ coach him on his Aunt Cheryl in on the car ride there! I have not heard from her since. I believe her decision in the future will be no more contact with me. It hurts because they (both my sister and father) are the ones that cut me off and divorced me. Not the other way around. That is the part I really can’t seem to get over. I just don’t understand why I care so much what they think of me and for them to know that I am NOT the crazy one. Why can’t I just drop it? Who cares what they think and about all the rumors they are spreading about me. One of the worst ones was recently; I heard out of my own father’s voice to my husband just the other week say on the phone, say that I am ending up just like my psychotic mother and he is worried for my son. That “I shouldn’t even be raising a child because I’m just like my mother.” That made me cry and cry. But I’m working on the steps, I’m trying to progress, and reading forums like this is helping me a lot. So thank you. It is good to know that we are not alone.

    1. CORRECTION: they married after my 25th birthday. Not 35th. I’m 39 now.

43. In my case it is my spouses family. Not my immediate family ?. I love my husband and daughter but have 15 years of toxic abuse from this family along with healing of the repercussions on my spouse. It would be much easier if it was my immediate family, but It’s not.?☹️

44. This is my family to a T, I have been homeless for four years traveling and seeing the beautiful positive world. This article is well written. I bookmarked it to remind myself of how happier I am. Traveling and being homeless was the only way to break away and heal. I have aspergers as well and this article validated the abuse in so many forms I endured from my family and ostracism I endured all my life.

    1. Hi Patrick,

       I was “homeless” for the better part of 3 years while I lived out of a converted van and later out of a converted school bus. It was a very important part of my life that was a result of me deciding to leave my extremely toxic parents and brother (emotionally abusive alcoholics with me as the perpetual scapegoat) and finding an adventurous and increasingly liberated life elsewhere. That was 20 years ago. I had a lot of self-defeating voices inside of me to reckon with through the years. Both my parents finally died and I gave myself the gift I had been promising myself of cutting my psychopathic brother off completely and forever. My has improved in every area–financially, emotionally, spiritually, socially–all through these passing years, and today I feel mostly healed. The majority of the world’s population is very family-oriented and it is perceived as sacrilege to say anything less than wonderful about your family members. But, there are those of us who know that there is no INHERENT beauty/love inside of the family construct. Fortunately, we can form loving bonds among others who are not our biology. Life improves when we let go of all who are toxic and offer our attention instead to those whose company is kind and nourishing. My “homeless” period was so needed as a kickoff to my healing. I wish you all the best, Patrick!

45. This is just so genuinely true and perfect. I’m experiencing exactly the same situation with my mother and this really helps me to decide that it is time to move on an let go to find my own happiness and peace. Thank you

46. Thank you! Sincerely. I have been dealing with a toxic relationship and feeling very torn about doing what I know in my heart needs to be done. Your article and the comments have helped me realize my situation isn’t all that unique and that I am not alone in having to make a decision that I feel guilty and a bit sad that I need to make. ( A little resentful that I have to make it at all, too ) My head and my heart will come to agreement soon and your article has made it easier for me to be OK with what I know I have to do.

47. This is exactly what I needed today. I have one more month of living in my toxic home and then I am removing myself. I thought I was alone on this journey, but I am so thankful to have found this article and to know that my situation is not unique. Thank you again for sharing your wisdom.

48. Your article has helped me tremendously. Thank you so so much. Life is a hard journey.

49. Wow! I’m going through this right now. It finally reached a point where I had to cut ties completely a few weeks ago with toxic family members and while it’s been painful it has been freeing. This article fully articulated how it has been dealing with them and how they react. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve been reading lots of articles on how to deal with this and this is exactly what I needed to read. I passed this article to my youngest brother who also chose to cut contact with those toxic family members as well. Thanks again. 🙂

50. Hi there,

    I read your article and thought it was brilliant but it also made me sad because I know how painful it must be. I pray that your mom and dad realize their mistakes and that they can choose to change for themselves and for you and your children. I genuinely wish you a happy restoration and have faith that God will change them. Just forgive them and give them over to God and continue to live your life.

51. What happens when you cut ties with the toxic person and then they die? I cut ties with my sister but kept the door open for a resolution. She told me she would never talk to me again. I loved her so desperately much and wanted to re connect. She kept the door closed. But, she died of complications of cirrosis of the liver 3 weeks ago. And I am deeply regretting having to sever ties with her. What I would give for just one more day to just bridge that gap. And, it will never happen. How do get through it…

52. This article was so enlightening!! I grew up with a narcissistic Mother, sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse. It took until after my parents died thru therapy along with this wonderful article how toxic my mother was to me and my children. I had so much anxiety and depression I went thru ECT which helped me with repressed memories. I found out that my siblings are and were enablers of my mother. My Therapist says it all makes since due to my eating disorders, relationship problems, anxiety and depression all my life and I’m almost 62 yrs old. Now my husband and I are dealing with a toxic sister of his that has a personality disorder. Is very abusive, physically and mentally, manipulating to his mother. He just lost his dad 4 moths ago and his sister has kept his mother in fear. We have cut his sister from our lives, but can’t seem to convince his 5 brothers what his sister is doing to mom. Need help!!

53. I’ve recently decided to limit my time with my in laws. My husband’s father and siblings are alcoholics. My husband’s mother is cold, controlling, and obsessed with appearances and judging others on their looks. My husband’s twin brother jumps on any opportunity to belittle him and make jokes at his expense (he’s not even remotely funny, everyone outside the family sees him as an uptight, anal jerk. His wife is miserable and accused me of being “bothered by her kids”. it’s just one thing after another. We were going to go on vacation with them all this year, I even changed my work schedule to make it happen. As soon as his twin booked the beach house he proceeded to make fun of my husbands intelligence and called him a sucker. We told his parents we won’t be able to handle his insults for an entire week, and we won’t be able to go anymore. We also explained that we’re in the thick of fertility treatments (they know we’ve been trying for 1.5 years). His mother got very angry, said his twin isn’t at fault, and hasn’t spoken to us (at least talk to you son, right?) in a few weeks. His father has had a heart to heart with my husband, so at least he has that. I come from a broken family with a lot of mental health problems, and after 2 years of therapy, I’m feeling better and finally thriving, doing great at work, etc. At this point I think I’ll just stay away, it’s taking too much of a toll. Especially during fertility procedures, it’s just too much. I’ve tried to be closer to them for 13 years, and no luck. I’m exhausted.

54. exactly im going thru right now. i need to get rid of toxic family member in my life. for m own safety. thanks for your story. inspired b to move on even without my family

55. Thank you so much for this uplifting article. I came to these conclusions in trying to make sense of what I now know is a Borderline Mother who chose me as the scapegoat. I have the supporting cast of an enabling father and siblings who learned early to also scapegoat me to secure favor. After years of emotional abuse by all, the last straw was when my mother’s favoritism carried on as a grandparent and my children were constantly placed last behind the sibling children, if they even considered at all. The last holiday I spent with my family, I hosted everyone,. I had not had any conflicts with my mother at that time because I was actually reducing the amount of interaction because of how hurtful she is. That holiday, my mother left me a bag of picture books we gave them of our kids when they were young. She said she needed to make more space in her 4 bedroom home. I am in Year 3 of No Contact and the denial by the siblings is still very painful. I know my nieces and nephews probably ask why we don’t attend holidays and I’m sure the spin is not favorable towards me. Your article reminds me to stay strong and not care what they think. Thank you!

56. This article has helped me, shortly i will be 21, I have become devoid of hope, nearly my entire family is unsuitable, my biological father is a flawed but acceptably flawed as he is albeit self aware of it and restrains it and tries to play the role of a father, even though he had almost completely been absent of my life contrubiting only roughly 3 yrs spread throughout my life. He has attempted to make up for it and has had an epiphany of sorts that has changed his attitude

    however my mother is disfunctional on many levels and chose to marry a man that is equally if not more toxic, the two are a brooding nest of separate toxic characteristics that fuel a delusional oppressive control over my life and have run my name into the mud and emotionally abused me to different extents. However my step father has been more aggressive and dominant in advances, degrading my worth. he has a complex that makes him feel superior to others, he has a militerised view and can only validate his actions as justified ones. He has turned my entire family on me. I’m left with only my uncle who i feel is somewhat acceptable but realistically even he has cut off from family to a great extent.

    I feel that all of the family on my mother’s side are wholelistically toxic and delusional to a far greater extent than origanally thought, like a pack of savage wolves who gang up on a victom. Also i realise that there may be a sense of inferiority due to higher IQ difference, a psychologist has brought this to my attention several years ago and said to me that they were toxic, that i should leave.

    So at this point I’m sick of being broken down and emotionally abused, i refuse, I will not stand for it any longer. As soon as i have the chance I am going to sever ties with my mother and her half as well as with my step father and his family.

    I am done

57. This is a bestseller article about how to disconnect from toxic family . This is by far the most informational , well written , easy to understand and to practice.

    1. It is a best seller. It is vital to write about the fall out that will follow from more manipulation, lies to continue use of their toxic tactics.
       I reached a point that I had enough of my eldest sister misperceiving something I said then exacting the silent treatment. It has pained me in the past to be forbidden any conflict resolution, be understood or if applicable make amends. To illustrate my point I left her a message offering to buy and o ernight ship to her the exact bedspread and shower curtain she wanted to sell her condo. That was my response to her. Voice mail that she was exhausted from two days of shopping, and heart palpitations. She responded that she did not need criticism from me so do not communicate with her. She did not speak to me for 7 months.

       In hindsight I am responsible for going back for more craziness, manipulations, lies and smear campaigns. I think I have an unhealthy need or wrongful beliefs to tolerate abuse to preserve a sense of family and so that my adult kids and grand children have extended family. I also believed her deceit she wanted to be healthy.

       I am determined to not see or speak to her again. She spoke humiliating lies about my adult children’s finances which she would not say to their faces. The point in the article that toxic people say things behind closed doors is so true. It is a sick family that when people know who spread a lie or false assumption spreading poison are silent while the innocent is punished.

       No contact is less painful than investing in relationships that you alone seek a healthy or healthier one. I am doing est to contain my depression sadness, hurt, sadness, loss and wait for the fall out so I can I’m est in new and healthy relationships.

58. Thank you so much for these insightful, helpful, inspiring words. My mom was toxic, but she died when she was 62, so I did not have to deal with her when I got older. I am now 69. I recently moved back to Illinois to live close by my two daughters. My older daughter is the toxic one. I moved in with her because I believed, through her AA journey, that she had changed. Wrong. Soon after giving up my home and moving in with her, I realized my error. Now she had a victim under her roof. I spent the first few months here walking on eggshells, trying to figure out how to please her and how to heal our relationship. A couple of days ago I came to the realization that I have to heal myself and let go of her completely. I will need to stay under her roof until I find a job and an apartment, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to stay strong and tell her when she lashes out at me that abuse will not be tolerated. If she wants me in her life, she will have to speak to me in a respectful manner. I did this to her about 15 years ago when she was still drinking. I truly thought she had changed this time. I am now focusing on me and what I want every day. There is no pleasing her. There is something lacking in her that causes her to enjoy inflicting psychological pain. I believe she inherited this from my mother. My other daughter is a joy. I am still happy that I moved to this area so that I can be with her. It helps that I can go to my healthy daughter’s house and spend a few days away from this toxic environment. I look forward to finding a job and being on my own again.

59. This was so very helpful! I have been confused for the longest time and realized that it was my parents’ behavior that has triggered my depression and panic attacks. It’s so hard to know that you can financially and materialistically have most of what you need but still feel empty when parents are micromanaging, hypocritical, and negative.

    I have just recently turned 18 and am thankful that I realized this earlier. Although, I need to find a way to get out of my house and start following God’s will–not those who have authority over me. In the end, I will have to answerable to God for my decisions.

60. Toxic people can be your own child also., Everyone blames it on the parent, that is not always the case. Believe it can be so hurtful.

61. Same situation but a little bit different. My case its my father, mother and sibling. All started with my father and took my mother and brother with him in this toxic cycle dysfunction . Never understood why my brother acted mean and distance. Still does till this day. Never gave him any reason to be that way. I always thought siblings had each others back, but in this case, he got my parents back instead. This obviously because of manipulation of a toxic parent. He was favored treated with respect and of course how could he not trust the “toxic parent” that was only toxic to me? Very sad. I am always defending myself, 3 (now 4 since my brother got married) against 1. its hard to cope. It seems as though I don’t exist and they are a separate family. My toxic father seems to be projecting who he is/was onto me, so that instead of him looking like he is a bad person, he makes me look like I am horrible person to everyone else. I don’t feel any of them are loyal to me. Very emotionally and psychologically draining. When I do have the means to disconnect myself from them , I probably will feel better. Surround myself with people that are caring and supportive. are not verbally abusive. I know who I am and its definitely what keeps me from falling into depression its hard. I have so much anxiety as a result. it’s really hard to cope with someone that fabricates and makes you feel worthless and doubts everything you do. Thanks again for this article it really makes a lot of sense

62. My MIL I have finally realized is thr most toxic person I knew. I use to try and eant to try so hard to be liked by her but I habe finally realized YEARS!!! Later it is her. And her loss. Her relstionship with her own daughter means the world to her they are besties. Which I think everyone is fine with. No problem being closer to your only daughter compared to your son. I get it as a mom with a daughter… But het and my SIL have turned their relationship into poison for the rest of the family. My SIL feels so threatened by her own siblings, their spouses, and her nieces and nephews relationships with my MIL that my mother in law refuses to let anyone get close. Us adults are probably very annoyed bit have come to terms with what their relationship is… Our children, her grandkids also… They dont get it. She favords her daughters kids such a noticable amount more. They treat her luke mommy #2 compared to grandma. Its more time, its clothing, its vacations, its toys, its EVERY THING!!! They try to hide it all from every one bit we all know. And my kids dont get it. Btheybdint get why they arent special ebough. How do you explain toxic people to young kids? Thst its not them?

    MIL says shes the inly one who cares but she is also the onky one who expects her mom to change her kids diapers, who leaves messes for her mom. To picknup
    That expects her mom tonfeed her kids. She uses her. She doesnt help her, she adds to her load…

63. Thank you for writing and sharing your bravery! It cut close to my heart.

64. Lala

    I understand, my Father was the same way and have not had contact with him for over 8 years now! These people who are telling you otherwise either a. do not understand, or b. are unhealthy and brainwashed, or both manipulated and dependent themselves on your Mothers approval. While forgiveness is not for your Mother, but for yourself, no one should tell you to forgive. The problem is, the abuser is never going to change so its a matter of choosing whether to accept it, or not accept it and in order not to be in the wrath, I learned it was so toxic I needed to cut him out completely. However, in time I learned forgiveness was not accepting the behavior of my Dad, I just learned to let go with love, and wish him the very best because for him to have so much hate within him, the pain and suffering that caused that must have really caused him to inflict that onto others, including his own children. So the way to end the cycle is for me to have peace and love in my heart, and have compassion for his “inner child” as well as my own, but know as a responsible adult now that I have every right to choose exactly who is in my life, and will make those decisions based on whats healthy and true for me. I won’t allow him to continue to hurt me, and I believe that we would be the marters ourselves (no better than them) if we chose to continue to tolerate it! No thank you!!! Those people telling you otherwise are the crazy ones. I learned that being in this family dynamic is like a cult because every where you turn these people have this same crazy making mindset, but once you break free you realize how crazy it all actually was!!

65. I love this article. But how do you deal with it when your mom is not in a position to pay her bills or take care of herself? In my case, my mom is not working, and seems to have given up on working. She’s negative overall and once my brother and his girlfriend moved back in, I took the opportunity to move out. She had been living with me for like the last 4 years without working. She’s had a temp job in there but overall, she hasn’t been working. Now my brother basically can’t get along and its talking about moving. Now I love my mom but I’m a very introverted person, I really have no problem cutting her off or going long periods without speaking to her but the one thing thats making it hard for me is I don’t want to see her on the street obviously so I honestly don’t know how to deal with this. She smokes cigarettes, I have asthma. And my asthma is 100 times better since I moved.

66. The article about toxic family is very well written. I have a sister who is very toxic and the situation you describe is exactly what has happened. WOW!!
    Thank You for this article, it helped me to see I am not alone, the decision to distance myself from this person is the correct one.

67. Thank you so much for this article. I found it because I needed to know yet again that I’m not a horrible person. My toxic mother has waged a full war against me ever since I cut off contact with her a year ago, right before my second daughter was born. I felt bad, tried opening the door a little, and she stomped all over me again. I added her back as a friend on Facebook, but I’m not so sure that was wise. Her smear campaign against me is now online, but I’m remaining silent. My heart hurts because this is my mother – but I know she is not well. But now she has rallied my siblings all against me, too. It’s so sad to realize how better off I have been without them all. But I never belonged anyways. Thank you again for this post!

68. I am experiencing something extremely similar and have been for over a year. The person I let go of has been spreading lies and turning my own family against me since I cut them out of my life. It has been very difficult for me, but at the same time, I know that I did the right thing – despite her making me the bad guy.

    Thanks for the post – it’s nice to be able to relate to someone in the same situation.

69. Thank you for this article. I’ve slowly distanced myself from my toxic family for a year, but over the weekend had a bit of an alcohol-influenced teary breakdown and called my mother. She immediately started the dismissive/emotionally manipulative behaviour that I cannot tolerate, and I got off the phone feeling the familiar feelings: confused, depressed, hopeless, ugly, worthless. I’m in my mid 30s and she in her mid 60s – I think it’s highly unlikely she will ever change now, and I will to remember this in the future if I have another urge to contact her. Two steps forward, one step back, right? The relief I felt returning to email-only contact with her was immediate – so I know it’s the right thing for me, as difficult and sad as it is.

70. I’m feeling really confused, because I was “guilted” into letting my younger brother back into my life.

    I was from an abusive family where my brother was the “golden child” who could do no wrong. He was born premature and was semi-deaf and so my mother, who was something of a grifter, let him get by with anything, and even did his homework for him. She never let him grow up or taught him to be independent.

    He was big and strong and used to hurt me physically. Among other things, he would dig his nails into me, and then rip my flesh. I would scream out in pain, and my mother would slap me for it while he laughed. When she worked, I had to take care of him.

    From an early age, I really hated him.

    Now, he’s in his 40s, and I believe it’s likely that he has Asperger’s or could be a full-blown sociopath. He doesn’t seem to care about anyone and is morally bankrupt. He doesn’t possess a sense of right and wrong. He was scamming people online for a while and my mother brags that he made a lot of money doing it. He also used to frequently pretend to fall in a place of business and tell the owner that he’d sue them if they didn’t give him money. And there’s more. He has always used his deafness for sympathy and as a means to con someone.

    I haven’t had anything to do with him for 18 years. I simply cut off contract, and he never asked why or tried to contact me.

    A cousin recently made me feel guilty about my brother, telling me that he has no one. Supposedly my brother told him that he has no idea how to act around people and is lonely. It’s true that my mother never taught him social skills or right from wrong. So I sent him a Facebook friend request. He accepted and sent me numerous private messages–all about his life. Though he hadn’t talked to me for 18 years, he never once asked about me or my kids. I’m feeling so torn. I don’t really want him in my life, and I don’t feel much love for him, but I feel sorry for him and somewhat obligated. It seems so hard to walk away from someone who’s alone.

    And I know he had a terrible childhood. Mine was bad as I was physically and emotionally abused, but his was bad too but in a different way in that my mother, who’d lost her husband, smothered him. Pink Floyd’s, “Mother” always reminded me of him: “Mama’s gonna keep you right here under her wing. She won’t let you fly but she might let you sing. Mama’s gonna keep baby cozy and warm.” The problem is, I don’t think he’s fixable.

71. Well written article! Families today are more and more like rock bands: meaning…it’s all about getting along and chemistry. The old adage “blood is thicker than water” no longer applies. Especially if you get divorced.

    Anyway, the most painful thing in my life occurred when my three older siblings decided to replace me in the family with my ex-wife. In all fairness to her, she is a much better fit on a social and chemistry level. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that the action still hurt.

    Still dealing with the after effects to this very day. 😕

72. At almost 40 yo I finally had enough courage to remove my toxic father out of my life . He was physically abusive till my teen years ( he called it discipline) and emotionally abusive until now . I’m tired of being disrespected, hurt, blamed, put down , discouraged … As hard as it is I must let go of him once and for all. We stopped communicating months ago and there is no effort on his part to stay connected even for the sake of his 12 yo only granddaughter. It is time to heal and live happily. Thank you for this article. It helped me understand few things such as you can’t fix toxic person . I’ve been trying to fix what was broken but it never worked . It was always very temporary fix and abuse always came back to me . Not anymore . In the process I’m also losing my younger and only brother who can’t understand my feelings and stands with his father . My brother who didn’t witness a lot of the physical abuse is brain washed by my father and he justified the abuse by saying that I was a mischievous child that required discipline . I’m ready to move on and enjoy my life a lot more . I easily got rid off toxic friends . It was a lot harder to do the same with family members.

73. I am trying to do that. It is difficult when my mom and I were close. Now that she has chosen her grandson and his drugs over me hurts. She doesn’t even realize it and for some reason thinks I am the bad person. So disheartening. She and my dad (who is no longer with us unfortunately due to Cancer) were strict as parents and would not allow the thought of drinking or drugs into our house. Now she actually promotes her grandsons underage drinking and use of drugs. It supposedly HELPS him – so she says. WHAT???!!!! I don’t know what happened to my mom. I have not talked to her in a while yet I know she is making me out to be the bad person to the rest of my family. Just because I absolutely will not allow the use of drugs or underage drinking around me. I am not going to change my ethics.

74. I am just reading this now while I am going through a similar situation. However, I would like just to move out of my family home where all of the toxic people live in. They threaten to never speak to me again if i do so…did this ever happen to you? Hope you reply..Ive lost hope and all confidence.

75. This is hands down the best article on the subject of cutting ties with toxic people. My sister, mom, and dad are a nasty triad. I am out on my own with a husband who treats me well and a mom to two awesome sons. My sister is 35 and is living at home with no job. She runs the house and is verbally and physically abusive to my parents. She is manipulative. My parents are too weak to do what needs to be done. They take the abuse. My mom is actually siding with my sister now. I’m guessing for safety reasons. My dad won’t put his daughter out on the street. She loves to use the threat of suicide. She loves to tell me how horrible of a person, mom, wife, sister I am. What I am doing wrong, and how I should do things. I’m diagnosed as bi-polar, so I’m crazy. My outlook is skewed I’m told. (But I am healthier than her. I see a doctor and a therapist and take my meds.) So, here come the holidays, and I’m putting my foot down with her finally. I’m seeing things clearly now as they try to put me back where I belong as the “fixer”. I don’t want to fix things or have the responsibilty to “just make her happy.” My whole damn life since she was born was to make her happy. “Give her your favorite toy, shirt, eyeliner because she won’t be quiet until you do.” I’m so angry at this point. I’m working on that. It’s hard knowing my mom and dad deal with this, BUT I DON’T HAVE TO ANYMORE. My mom is desperate and trying to manipulate me now, and my dad layers on the guilt. It hurts. I fear I am losing them too. I’m ready for that to be a possible outcome. Maybe it may cause some changes in them. I doubt it.

76. I’m contemplating breaking away from my in-laws. I’ve been married 15 years and things have only gotten worse. They are awful to my husband. They use us every chance they get. And then turn around and talk about is behind our backs.
    My mother-in-law is a narcissist. I know that if I do this, she’s going to turn the whole thing on me. But, I have to do something for my own well being.
    I battle depression and Idk how many times they have caused me to spiral back into that state.
    I’m struggling right now because we have a nieces bday in a few weeks and then christmas… but Christmas has been terrible a few times and I’m just not wanting to do it again.
    I’m just really struggling on how to go about it.
    I appreciate this post.. it is just reaffirming what I need to do.

77. Thank you so much for this article. It really resonated with me. I am in the process of cutting ties with my emotionally abusive sister, but it’s really difficult because she has a lot of problems at work and in her relationships, and I do feel for her and would’ve loved to be there for her were it not for the verbal and emotional abuse my parents and I constantly have to endure. She makes them feel guilty about all sorts of things she feels they wronged her in the past, so they put up with it and are constantly walking on eggshells around her. And they expect me to do the same. But I cannot put up with her constantly tearing my parents down, both to them and to me behind their backs, or her treating me like I’m an unintelligent child unworthy of being her equal (we are in our 40s and both have our doctorates, not that it should matter), which she has done since we were little. I’ve endured her treating me like I was “lesser” for so long, and probably would’ve continued to put up with it, but during one of her particularly abusive episodes, she told our mom that I was “damaged goods”, which for some reason mom thought was ok to relay to me. That really hurt, even though it wasn’t altogether surprising. Yet, when I wrote an assertive letter to my sister about how I felt (I made the mistake of letting my mom know that I was planning to give my sister this letter, though I did not show mom the letter), mom told dad about it and he begged me not to give it to my sister because it would “hurt her feelings”. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I’ve decided to cut ties with her and refuse to be part of her abusive drama. But I still haven’t managed it completely, as my dad is very ill and cutting ties with my sister would break their heart, and quite possibly kill my dad. So I’ve been kind of settling for not contacting her and deciding to only meet up outside the home on the very rare occasions that are absolutely necessary. But my parents keep asking me to ring her or get in touch with her because “she really misses her sister and really needs emotional support”, but every time I give in and call her, it’s not my voice or my support she seems to want to hear at all. It almost always reverts back to her telling me how horrible my parents are. How weak and pathetic they are, though I think they’re possibly one of the strongest people to be able to put up with such abuse! It’s so hard to hear. And it’s literally killing them. They are really old and unwell, and my sister’s abuse makes my mom unable to sleep and gives her heart burns and high blood pressure. And my dad too, in addition to all his other illnesses. But I can’t force them to stop putting up with the abuse. That’s for them to decide on their own. I can only try to be there for them when I can and get myself out of it, if I can. And it’s strange because my sister very rarely verbally abuses me directly to me, but she would constantly say awful things about our parents to me and awful things about me to them. She would, however, give me that “look down her nose” look when I tell her about my achievements (she is constantly telling us about hers and insists on us listening to all the details, whether we want to hear it or not). And if I said something she didn’t agree with, or she thought was wrong or unimportant, she would let me know with the tone of her voice. Oh, those tones of voice, if only you could hear it! And she definitely does directly verbally abuse my parents … constantly. But then after the put downs, she does a complete 180 and says how much she loves us and misses us, and what would she do without us? I cannot keep being in this emotionally abusive and draining loop, but I don’t know how to get out of it without destroying my parents. So even though I’ve decided I want nothing more to do with her, I’m still stuck.

78. My mother was mentally and emotionally abusive, I cut her off almost 7 years ago now and my quality of life has improved immensely.
    I was almost 7 years old when she held a knife to my face and threatened to kill me. I believed I was going to die that day and once she saw that I was no longer scared of her holding the knife to my face, she turned around and went back to chopping vegetables in the kitchen as if nothing had ever happened.
    My mother was abused sexually and mentally, her father abused, her father’s father abused.
    The abuse stops with me.
    I am a survivor.

79. I hope your still around. I found your article “spot on”. I appreciate that you shared not only your advice but your own experience. I have had a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship with my adult daughter for years now. She constantly nips away at my self-esteem. I feel confident, content, and stable when I’m not around her. She is rude, disrespectful and condescending. Nothing I do is enough. I have “pulled back’ and distanced myself several times, but haven’t maintained the distance because she uses her siblings as an excuse to gain access to me time and time again. Presently, I’m emotionally exhausted and basically fed up. I don’t have any doubt that she is “toxic”. I just need to stand my ground. I have to explain to her siblings that I can’t have her in my life. Since, all of my other children live at home I’m now sure exactly how that will work out. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my adult life being harassed by my own child (or anyone else…smile). Her father was abusive and I left him over 20 years ago. I keep giving her the “benefit of the doubt” and she presents slight behavior changes here and there, but it always ends up with the same, blame, shame, rage and put down behavior. I don’t know if you will ever see this comment. If you do, thank you for sharing- your writing is still helping people. I pray that Allaah (God, I’m Muslim) helps me to be firm this time around. I saved your post to my favorites so I can reference it when I feel weak. Thank you. I wish you all the best.

80. I’m 20 years old and I’m in a toxic relationship with my father. The abuse is emotional, verbal, mental, and a bit physical. I am having trouble leaving because I have siblings and my mother who I love dearly. If I choose to leave I know that my father would not allow me to see them, or them to see me. He won’t allow me to get a job so I have no way of getting money to move out. However, I do have some scholarship money saved up. I am still debating on whether I should move out this summer. It will be hard but if I choose to say any longer, I will become so depressed that there will be no way out. For the first time in my life I am thinking of being a bit selfish for my happiness.

81. I’m 19 years old and since I was young I realized how manipulative and toxic my dad was. He has the ability to make the people around act just like him. It wasn’t until I moved out that I could see just how terrible of an environment I was living in. But all my family members that still live with him don’t understand an they have also become toxic and emotionally and mentally abusive especially my mom, she grew up in an abusive household so I guess she doesn’t know the difference between healthy behavior. Anyway I tried to cut ties last night because I was tired of being like them I’m tired of being the victim and they both told me that I’m delusional and have convinced my self of a false realty. I have lost my whole family in one night and came here to read this article for help thank you. The most scary thing about reading an article about toxic people is frighteningly seeing some of the descriptions in yourself, but I’m resolved to change I want to be happy and a better person.

82. I’m so happy I stumbled across this article, I was experiencing all those symptoms you mentioned above since yesterday, I can’t eat and can’t stop crying. It’s so hard because the toxic people are my daughter and grandson, But I’ve had enough and I realize everything you said is true, No matter what I do, or give them, it’s never enough, there’s still no respect, until they need something, never ever appreciating what I’ve done thus far, I just can’t take it no more, I cried but I’m more angrier than anything. I just want my piece of mind back and because this has been an on and off situation I know it’s time for me to cut the ties, It’s just so hard

83. I just read your comment after I posted mine, I’m going through the same thing right now and it’s so hard,

84. Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I made this terrible decision today, and really needed to read these words. You helped me feel a bit more at peace with myself.

    1. I’m so grateful to have found this. I made the decision 3 days ago to end communication with my sister that loves being a victim. I was always the strong one. She’s passive aggressive but does this woe is me routine. Everything is just so hard for her. Her daughter is bipolar and believes anything her mother tells her.. I had no idea my sister was telling her lies about me.my sister is emotionally abusive with her children. After a horrible text from my niece that was filled with lies I decided it was time to cut ties. I told both of them my sister needs professional help and my niece needs her meds adjusted. You just can’t reason with people like that. I have slept better than I have in years. I blocked both of them. They are toxic. This article has helped me see i’m Not the only one. Thanks

    2. I made it March 27. From my experience, “do not confront” . As indicated by the author, the following happened to me “A family member will play the victim and try to corral other family members against you because you’ve hurt them. They may use their emotions to influence other family members and isolate you and they may treat you harshly as well. Expect lies, victim stories where they paint themselves as the victim and you the bad guy.” I was ostracized.

       1. Welcome to the Club! Isn’t life better on this side?

85. Thank you for this article. This month is my one year anniversary of breaking up with my family, mother, father, two sisters and a brother. I think more needs to be written about the positive points to removing a toxic relationship/s. My life improves every day. It is hard to explain. I see progression and growth. Thank you.

86. Thank you so much for this article. I needed to know that there are other people who had similar experiences.
    I hate my sister. She is very toxic and if it wasn’t for the fact that she stays with me, I would have been stopped talking to her. I can ask her something simple and she would yell, and belittle me. She constantly says that she does so much stuff for me and that I should be grateful for her. Whenever she tells her side to other people, she makes it seems like I’m in the wrong and when I tell my story, she talks over me. I communicate with her because I love her kids. I even let her move in with me. But i honestly have no1 to talk to about this so I tend to keep it to myself which makes me sad and upset. So it feels good to get this off my chest.

87. This is such a great article. I just closed the door on my niece and my sister. I am the baby of eight and have always felt that family should be close. I had a sister that passed and she had her grandchildren, no one wanted to step up to the plate including their mom so I did. However through the process I kept the door open for their mom to step back in within bringing harm to the children. She never used that door but made me this bad person and created lies that hurt me to my core. She had me as you said questioning myself. She had family so convinced that i had no support. She would talk privately to the children cause them to experience mental health issues. She tried to poison them. However, still trying to raise her four children and keep them protected. It has been 11 yrs and your article has helped me release and walk away. The children are doing great and I am proud that God trusted me with this opportunity. Today was my day. I realized that I am a great person and she can’t destroy me or these children’s emotions any longer. Thanks again for this well written article.

88. One of the best articles I’ve read on going no contact with toxic family and people in general.
    I have been on this journey for almost 4 years. Absolute no contact with some and very limited contact with others. I come from a large and family and need to know what is going on with some people.
    Everybody is not crazy but, I have decided to take care of myself and keep the lines open with the few healthy ones in the family.
    Whe I decided to walk away from the sickness no one notified me of any important things I needed to know. This was their way of punishing me to show disgust for my decision. So, I had to stay in touch with the normal ones who would keep me informed of sickness or situations with someone that I was concerned about.

    The more replies I read the more empowered I’ve become.
    I am happier now than I’ve been in more than 4 decades.
    It’s sad but no one thinks they need help.
    They are growing old filled with hatred, immaturity, and drama.
    I stop trying to figure out their craziness.

89. Corrine’s healing story and words from others who are discovering peace and their true selves from those who make us question our worth and memories are empowering and thank you. I came to this article because I am walking away from a toxic relationship with a man whose selfishness, lies, manipulations, deceits, and oddly brilliant mental gymnastics have sucked a lot of life (friends, confidence, self-respect) from me. These people are masterful liars with an innate ability to craft reality into nonsense and cut down anything standing between them and their sick needs and whims, never ever questioning themselves.

    These relations come in all forms, I’m saddened but emboldened to read so many testify here about their mothers— the supposed anchor whose natural role is to nurture, teach, love, protect and rally us, building confidence to go out into the world knowing we are lovable, valuable, worthy, kind, smart—whatever gifts we are and have but nooooo instead we question EVERYTHING because someone got off on making us feel like we don’t deserve to feel we deserve to be those things.

    Watch also, friends, pairing with a toxic significant other or close friend who resembles the familiar feeling of what we recognize as love and being ‘home’. I grew up with an abusive mother. My father is a classic submissive enabler–his mother was the same dominant force in his life and he learned this role from his father. My mother’s mother and her siblings and others pleaded for my father get my mother some kind of help for herself and everyone around her but he did nothing (though he was a loyal hard-working husband, provider, father). My father and sister were too afraid of her to defend me when all of her rage directed at me when I was 10. Today forty years later we are a dysfunctional mess, I can’t shake the guilt, obligation, desperation to be exonerated and loved. Just yesterday my sister bypassed and belittled my comment that I am no longer speaking to –she laughed and I winced. We never learned how to respect and care for one another because we were always in crisis or waiting for the next one–the dynamics are deep and immutable. Same day yesterday, I drove my father to see my mother in a nursing home, he will wait to see how she responds to me before assessing if it is ok to look at me or laugh at my jokes. He is a kind dear man but this still cuts me to the core.

    My ex-boyfriend and my mother are the same person—these relationships can be addictive and compelling and consuming and they feel like love if you’ve never really known love in another form.
    Blessings and love to anyone reading this column. You are worth more.

90. I will make the point that it is never too late to learn. This article was liberating and I have shared it with my children and siblings. At the age of 76 with a 96 year old abusive mother I can not be more grateful for the gift of this article and the very insightful and painfully revealing comments below it. My grieving starts now, right now, and my path to a better mental health for the sake of my remaining years is a journey I have vowed to commit to for myself, family and friends. I have burdened myself and them with allowing this abusiveness to go on over my lifetime and theirs. My sincere appreciation for the article and opening the flood gate for purging the toxic remains and current suffering of so many people. A good beginning for happiness before the clock strikes for the last time.

91. I am currently planning my escape from my toxic family and, it is long overdue. I have interviews lined up and searching for housing.

    My family has always been toxic, and my mother is the ring leader. Things definitely are beyond critical since my abusive ex husband and brother became friends after the divorce. My parents have also embraced this person. My family know about all of the abuse. They just don’t care.

92. This article has been refreshingly insightful and quite helpful for me in dealing with my own situation – an extremely toxic sibling. The content covered is spot on and articulated in a way that is relatable to the reader. Thank you so much for sharing! :o)

93. Thank you for sharing your journey. I am in the process of letting go off my toxic family. I was feeling sad, afraid and alone. I came across your article. It felt so empowering and reassuring that I am not bad or guilty for letting go off them and I am not alone. I liked how you have explained clearly the tactics and manipulations used by them and the long process to get to a place of love and peace. Well written truthful article. I am happy for you and you did a great job in choosing to love yourself and not taking the easy way out.

    1. It is a long journey, and not easy, but well worth it for the peace and happiness it’ll bring you. I wish you all the happiness and kindness you long-last deserve.

94. THANK YOU. I really needed this. I’ve been crying for the past 3 hours. 2nd box of tissues and my head feels ready to explode…

    Why?

    Because after a 16-hour flight, I excitedly and happily had lunch with my brother today who I haven’s seen in nearly a year…. and he says… “no need to make an effort to be close”.

    We’re both in our 40s. So the above is basically just one variation of the same issue.

    I’m tired.
    Tired of trying.
    I feel used and abused.

    I’ve been crying, crying, crying… and i think it’s because I know it’s over.
    I’m done.
    My mind KNOWS and accepts this.

    I’m waiting for my heart to catch up.

95. Sometimes we let a sibling go because they made a terrible marriage partner choice. When you can’t get them out you have to let them go. They want you to stay, they want you to pretend that there is no elephant in the room but there is. It’s hard but it does free you up from a toxic mess.

96. very well said evrything you said is true. I just want to be happy my whole life I endured this I’m 36 and my mother is still at it causing chaos trying get my wife to leave me as punishment for walking away from them.. A girl I messed with years ago came out of no where and claimed she was pregnant by me.. Now I could see it as a possibility if I recently messed with her but I haven’t even seen this person my mother helped her and they named a kid after me that I didn’t father.. I’m so done with her I’ve moved they hire private detectives to find us and stalk us they text call even called my wife’s jobs. They create problems and act as a solution at first I was so confused and upset about it because I literally had no one to talk to about this other than my wife.. I come to realize that they want to hurt me and take the thing closest to me away for not being in their circle of dysfunction..

97. Thank you so much for writing this. I have had to go no contact this year with my Dad and this has been a VERY helpful tool that I have used. I’ve read it several times. Whenever I’m down, I come back to this and read it because the words help.

    1. I’m so glad it’s helped you. You aren’t alone. What you’re going through isn’t talked about, but it’s more common than you think. I’m so glad you’re taking care of you and building a happier life for the future.

98. Thank you for sharing !
    I am constantly stirred up terrible anxiety
    When my sister in law contacts my husband , kids etc … she knows I want nothing to do with her but yet
    She does the reach out all the time at least twice a year !! Puts my relationship in total
    Melt down to the point I want to either want to
    Not exists it gave a nervous breakdown
    I fear this may eventually end my 36 year marriage to her brother he has said numerous times
    I am his family and he supports me !!!! But the. Every time she contacts him … he seems to forget all that I
    And I am the bad person again !!!
    I can’t keep going thru this a few times. A year
    It is effecting my health I don’t know what to do ,

99. Although It saddens me that other people have had to live through such extreme toxic relationships that there was no other way to deal with it other than to cut ties with these people I also am very grateful that all of you shared your stories. It is good to know that I am not alone.
    With me it was my older sister and brother. My entire life until recently I thought that it was my fault that they were always saying and doing cruel things to me. I kept trying to figure out why they were doing this. I couldn’t think of anything that I had ever done to them that would cause them to treat me this way so I just kept treating them with kindness, which of course, didn’t change anything because I was not dealing with normal people. The more research I did the more it finally dawned on me that I was dealing with toxic narcissists.. They fit every element of this. So I completely stopped responding to any attempt they made to contact me. It was painful yet liberating at the same time. I thought I had solved the problem and gained some of my pride back until the day I received a text from my sister informing me that my sister-in-law who was my brother’s wife had passed away. Now I had to decide if I was going to attend the funeral or not. A difficult decision but finally I chose to not attend the funeral but to send flowers. Past experiences had taught me that the first thing my brother would say to me would be something cruel and abusive. Even under these circumstances I just could not trust him or my sister ever again. I just wish I had done this sooner but hopefully now I can have finally have some peace in this last stage of my life.

100. Hi! I have a toxic mother as well. I didn’t want to admit it, why me, why is my educated mom so difficult? Why is she so nice to others? Why does she lie to go against me? I read many self help books and nothing helped me but one thing: tell the prime who know and love me some facts and what NOd is, explain the year long toxic relaying and even anecdotes, the cover ups, the inconsistency, gaslighting…to be careful, to be simply aware and to take it in consideration that I am not exaggerating. As for me, my expectations are below zero. I know I am stabbed in the back as I breathe. I am thankful I don’t inherit this! I am thankful I love my kids purely and am designed to help them. I also cut out a lot of people who decided to go believe bad stuff about me, irrelevant stuff, untrue stuff, even very far fetched stuff, they chose to even though they doubted the relevance of the gossip. I don’t try to stay in touch anymore. I closed my social media completely. Tough one but it helped. I stay low key. I don’t cut her off because I simple am the filter. If I did she would used the next generation. I feel I protect them. I also learned that since I am never good enough why trying to be? She likes to get dirty and smile in your face. She enjoys when you suffer, me, you, anyone. My husband was verbally abusive and she would just rub it in: as if it was my failure. When I wirked the job wasn’t good for her when I became a military spouse I was stupid to her, now I look for a part time job and she tells me I will not be there for kids and only get a stupid job, I am laughing at her now! Who is she to treat me this poorly for decades and decades! Who am I to care! Who cares! I couldn’t care less if I ever see her ads in and d she comes and meddles I will just start laughing. It’s hilarious! What poor souls decide to believe a witch like that? Are they blind? I can smell a narcissist from miles!

101. OMG. This article explains everything that happened to me.
     I have an abusive sister who physically, verbally, mentally abused me since I was a child.
     She looks very normal. Only family member knows how terrible she was.
     Still my mother always has the explaination for her behavior.
     I was told to be patient and let go of all the fight.
     Now I know that no one in my family gives a sh*t about how abusive she was to me
     Mother even feel sorry for my sister that she has a lot of stress so she need to vent out.
     But why on me? Obviously, I’m an emotional trash can for her and my family approves it.

     Your article help me decide that its time for me to cut out all of them.

102. This Scottish lady appreciated this article and advice so much. I’m so glad I found it! Ive recently cut contact with my sister who is borderline and has alcohol issues. I simply could do no more, the lies and theft, the violence and chaos and above all the manipulation and gaslighting have ruined our relationship. I do not feel safe in her presence . I feel guilty and massively relieved at the same time? My guilt comes from understanding why she feels so much anger and distress as our childhood was dire at times but she physically drains me and has attacked me many times, she destroys those around her by cunning lies and planned schemes and may actually be untreatable. Her recent diagnosis said she was borderline with psychotic episodes and narcissistic tendencies? So I’ve cut her from my life after decades, I feel so so sad for her but if she was in my life I would become ill? It’s literally as if evil emanates from her every pore so toxic is an apt word for the experience.

103. My two sisters and mothers were manipulative people who fought over money and estates. My one manipulative sister won’t even give me pictures of family without lying and mind games. How do I get my pictures and then drop this toxic sister for good.

104. I have been taunted and bullied by an aunty for 42 years. ive tried to be understanding all those years but im 47 now, married with 2 daughters and a full time job and I feel good about that but she is still continuing her abuse at me and yes I have decided to cut all ties with her and walk away. she has also physically abused me as well as emotionally. She was also mean to my dad and treated him like a child and not a brother. she controls most of her siblings and her nieces and nephews. she is judgemental and doesnt listen to reason. Her abuse has caused me anxiety and deppression. She also knows that I was sexually abused as a child by 3 of her brothers and she threw it back in my face and said forget about it. I am actually walking away from her but all my family too because they covered up what happened to me and most of my life ive been struggling. I am done with her forever and I am not looking back. I will live for me and my children.

105. i’m in the first phase of cutting off a toxic cousin. I’ve tried other times but feel captive to one of her contact attempts. This time I’ve cut off answering land line, cell phone, and emails. She lives in another state so unlikely she’ll show up on my doorstep. I’ve gotten wise to how she changes her contact attempts. She’ll start with messages demanding I call her because she wants to know if I’m all right. She baits by leaving messages that a relative is sick, I need to call her, but doesn’t say who is sick. Then sends a beautiful package, or leaves a message about how she just remembers she was abused as a child. When we were in contact she calls to brag and brag, or tells me her politics are right and mine are wrong. That my decisions are wrong and hers are best. How wonderful her life is, on and on. The thing she misses is not ME it’s having a victim to torture and brag too. We’re both in our 70’s, imagine how many times I’ve attempted to cease this relationship only to get lured back in. Way too many. I want this time to be the final attempt.

106. Nicely explained and close to the essence of this frustrating and unsustainable problem we deal with which is a mere symbol of injustice and worthlessness of the universe. Most of you mentioned no contact as solution of the choose but you didn’t consider that the best definition of toxic people is when they cant either treat you right or let you go. If the abuser you deal with is a bad ass toxic person or according to what I realized from my own experience a satanoid creature she won’t let you go that easy and more accurately at any cost. When you live in a religious country the problem is worse by far because today most of us know that religious people and countries are worst type of a human being. However I am not religious at all but today when my mother looks at me I can see nothing except Satan itself dying to hurt me. She hurt me from not my child but my babyhood as much as she could and if there was smallest opportunity to hurt me she didn’t and doesn’t let down at all. No matter what is the matter she wants to hurt me at any thing and aspect and when there is not a major matter like education she just wants to abuse me. The pain of remembering what she did with my height growth and education career is unsustainable so I prefer not to describe it in details. Just For instance she was merely crazy to stop my education and made everyone around me eager to stop it and prevent me to become a doctor which is my dream from my childhood. The story of what this Satan did and does with me is more extensive that I can explain it here and with my not that much studied English language. Let’s back to the matter of leaving. I’m pretty sure if i leave her completely (I didn’t do it completely due to education in recent years and now due to soldiering cause any way she could find me easily) she will chase me and will do anything to bring me back to the abusing environment. If I want to look at walk away as option of the choose then I should leave the country not home or city and from where can I earn the required money when I spent my time on an education suffered from the narcissistic and live in a country became poor due to its people undeserving and government stupidity and robbery(Iran)? I don’t have enough money even to buy its ticket… . Yes unfortunately lack of money is the most important matter even in a situation like this. Leaving was a well solution for most of you and I wish it be the same way for me but I know if I leave she or her flying monkies will chase me. My problem is more taught and I need a more taught option while taught and aggressive behaviors is not in my personality and recently in my patience at all. I knew everything you wrote here completely and reading the article was just some flashbacks to just a few of the things I already knew and experienced. Despite I like leaving My need and solution seems to be something else as what you probably know it now. Wish you all success and wish I earn it or have the ability to stand for myself strongly and firmly

107. Very good article. I just cut ties myself with toxic family. In my case a parent. I really do not believe that people are disposable, but there comes a point where you have to worry about yourself. It is exyremely liberating and the relief was almost instantaneous. Anyone considering this should read this well written article. It is very sad that it jas to come to this point. Great Article!!!

     1. I’m sorry you felt you had to make this move in the middle of a pandemic, when everyone is upside down with stress. This is fresh for you right now. Whether or not it was the right thing to do will show itself when the pandemic is over. Than, I hope you don’t experience a deep stab would of pain and regret.

108. REAL

109. Thank you

110. Was looking for some takes regarding this topic and I found your article quite informative. It has given me a fresh perspective on the topic tackled. Thanks!

111. I was reading your article, thinking you were writing about me. I’m at the fall-out stage right now with my family, and there have been casualties, but in the end, I’m going to be FAR better off without the constant guilt trips and attacks on my personal life. The backhanded compliments and comments on my choices will be ending and I will be able to move on. All I asked for from my mother was an ounce of accountability and I met with a bible of deflections and personal attacks from more than just my mother. My heart is broken, and I often find myself questioning if I did the right thing, but as each day passes, I’m healing and coming to appreciate the me that stood up for me! Thank you for this article, it’s opened my eyes and is helping my healing process.

112. I’m a few months into this journey and it’s been extremely tough . The conflicting feelings I continuously have between knowing that my mom’s toxic behavior is enough reason to walk away yet still wanting to get to know who she is outside of that mother role. The last straw for me was when she pulled a gun on me . My family is painting me as the bad guy and the feeling of guilt and overall hurt her me stuck in my head. I’m glad I found this article because it gave me some encouragement and plenty of reminders to PUT MYSELF AND MY HAPPINESS FIRST

113. As for me, this article touched every issue I’ve had as a child, never good enough to my sisters, or seemed my family, I looked for love in all the wrong places, I felt no matter what I did, it was me, the one who never fit in, it had to be my fault. I thank you for these words, my issues I have, my religious beliefs, finally at peace, yet haunted if I will go to hell for cutting out my biological family who has tortured me since a child. I was a child when it started, just a child. 😭 Thank you for the article!

114. Thank you for writing this. I stumbled across it this morning. Everything you wrote, with the exception of physical abuse, is accurate. I walked away for a short time and I felt so much better. An immediate family emergency happened and I caught wind of it through social media and was concerned because although I walked away, I still loved them. So I reached out, and everything has started back up, with new stuff added in. I feel so floored and keep wanting to justify myself and tell the truth. My husband says it is useless and they won’t listen. I am just a huge bundle of emotions right now. This post helped me understand some things and brought some things to light for me. Everything you have written is accurate, sad- but accurate. Thank you.

115. I was 19 or 20 when I finally made the decision to stop trying to win them over. The issues were mostly with my mother as my father was less of a problem but very devoted to her, so that’s where the alliance was. I had no siblings, so my perspective was the only one I had to work from. I felt I had been the one to make the efforts, which had been rebuffed, so I moved away and left the door open for them to make a constructive step. That didn’t happen.

     I had about 5 years of feeling guilt and shame, but gradually talked it out and started seeing a counsellor. This was before the age of the internet so there were no resources other than books, and I couldn’t even find any books on the topic. I felt very alone. I had put about 3000 miles between us, so guilt wasn’t sufficient motivation to “commute” for more punishment and rejection. That distance, as I look back on it, was instrumental in making the break successful.

     My life moved on and I was able to get my education, start a career and have (mostly) very good and rewarding relationships. About 25-30 years later I learned from a relative (that I didn’t know I had) that they had passed away. My father first, then my mother. By that time, it was like hearing about strangers. Or perhaps it was more like hearing about neighbors that I didn’t know very well, but would recognize on the street. “Oh. Well, that’s too bad”, and then, after a bit of reflection, went on with my day. I had a chance to briefly meet with that relative, a cousin, who still had some family connections. At the end of our talk she said “It’s good you got out.” A brief comment, but a weighty confirmation about difficult, isolated choices I had made.

     Since my 20s I’ve met and talked to a number of other people in this type of situation. I learned that there are many, many more of us out there than I realized. Most of us had to handle these situations alone, but now family toxicity is better known and accepted.

     If I can pass on any kind of “wisdom” it would be about learning how to establish firm boundaries. They’re not easy to establish or maintain (which is why the 3,000 mile separation was SO necessary for me!) Figure out who you are now and who you want to become. Or at least who you DON’T want to become. Chart you own path.

     I’m 65 now. My parents (mother) started to shape me, but she didn’t define me. I found other people I admired and respected. I used other people as role models: both to follow and to avoid. I kept people in my life who enriched or encouraged me or who just made me laugh. I let slide those who brought no joy or insight. I married someone I enjoy who has been enriching and encouraging and who makes me laugh on an almost daily basis. She has been a true partner. In return I try to be one to her. So far, (so I’m told) so good.

     I don’t think I’ve accomplished everything in life that I could have, but who does? Given I had to make up my own instruction manual, I’m overall satisfied with what I’ve achieved, and I don’t think I’ve hurt too many people, too seriously, in the process.

     It took a long time to be at peace with the decision to leave the toxic behind. I understood that, after trying repeatedly, that I couldn’t fix it. And they either didn’t see the problem, or didn’t want to change it or didn’t feel they could. That’s okay. (Yeah. Well, it’s far from okay, but it doesn’t have to be what you’re stuck with.) Move on.

     Create the peace within you.

116. This was so well written… the main reason I looked this up was… I wasn’t sure if walking out and letting go of a parent or family member was a good thing to do. Would explain better, but I do not wish to share publicly.

     Thank you so much for this article, it helped me a lot.

117. Thank you for writing this. I have just disowned my mother for the 500th time. I appreciate your honesty about trying to figure out why. I know I will never understand and I question myself. She is an evil woman why do i think she is capable of loving anyone. She cheats on her husband a month after he died she moved her boyfriend in. These type of people have no soul they cant love us. Thank you. I am working on a written promise to myself so when I feel weak I can read my affirmations

118. I grew up in an a verbally and emotionally abusive family. Suffice to say dysfunctional doesn’t even begin to describe it. The abuse has continued throughout my adulthood. I’ve finally decided enough is enough. This article helped me decide to cut off communication and cut my losses and live my life without all that insanity and cruelty. I’ve thought about it for decades, and at 71 I’m doing it. There is some guilt but no regret, except I wish I’d done this in my twenties, when I first considered it. I’ve divorced my toxic family, at long last.

119. Thank you for this! I used it to explain perfectly to my mother about my sisters. It’s a decision I came to a year ago, but it was difficult to explain the why. You nailed it!

120. What a powerful article, thank you.

     This came at the perfect time. I have recently broken free from my narcissistic mother and narcissist brother. For my mental health and well-being, I know it is necessary and also for my 3 children. It’s such a toxic dynamic. I’ve known for many years that toxicity of this family dynamic but would always go back time and again and question myself.

     All of a sudden so many ‘hidden’ things have been revealed ‘accidentally’ and I see so much more horribleness had been going on beneath the superficial surface. It is incredibly hurtful to finally accept that people are out to intentionally break you down. Anyways, we all have our challenges in this life ans now is the time to stay strong and heal from this.

     I’m receiving messages asking what my problem is. Do they genuinely think their isn’t an issue, it’s so strange? I feel the best thing is not to respond as it just feeds the drama.

     Thank you again so very much for this brilliantly written article. You are a strong and brave woman!

121. My situation started in 2011 when I caught my father in a lie, and called him out. He spent the following year trying to round up my siblings as his army so he had help trying to dig dirt on me. He threatened me with a restraining order so that I would stay away. He knew it would hurt me since my mother was dealing with breast cancer. He asked me to stay away, which I did for 7 years. My wife and I decided to meet my parents at a restaurant for dinner. It was nice so we did dinner a few more times. At the last dinner together my dad said the best part was I paid for dinner. He said nothing about it being nice to spend time together. So I began to visit with them less, and less. My dad would tell me I was getting nothing when he dies. He told me I no longer was going to receive a free service from the family business because I am the reason the business struggles. He has sent me 4 letters over the last 6 months telling me how I need to shape up and follow his rules, and how I was entitled to nothing in his will. I finally decided to walk away from my family (2 parents and 5 siblings)for good. Got a new letter yesterday telling my not to play this game with him because he will make me pay. I will never open another letter from him. I’m done!

122. Thank you, I am going through all of this right now. It is very hard but reading this helps. Letting go is the hardest.

     1. Great article. My situation is reverse – I cannot take anymore of the abuse cycle from my son. It’s been going on nearly 25 years since he was a child.

        I love him dearly and will lose my precious beautiful grandchildren forever, but my health is suffering so badly, and I have to finally take care of me.
        Already disabled with heart issues, I am running the risk of an early death.
        I have tried breaking free before, but I’m always hoovered and tricked back into the vicious narcissistic game. I deserve peace finally…

        To the author…you have listed recommendations for many help books on removing toxic parents from lives. Do you think you could balance things, and add book links for parents needing the same support please?

        Thank you

123. This is exactly my situation and i’ve been wanting to connect with others in the same struggle. i also find placing in knowing that it’s not just me. while i’ve chose to go 0 contact since two months ago i still fear they are planning to “get back at me” for cutting them out somehow via a lawsuit or something crazy.

124. I am currently going through this fight for freedom from all the emotional pain that I and my two blood sisters have been forced to endure our entire childhood lives and with me still being forced to endure at 50 years old. My so loving and caring family, including my daughter has alienated me, while my daughter has ripped her two own innocent children of 3 and 11 out of my life as I had been their primary caregiver. I am in more pain than I ever have had to endure by the hands of my mother as she gave premission to a stepfather to mentally and phiscally abuse us and still supports and him and is still with today and not let him go. The emotional pain of having my grandchildren ripped out of my life and the mental pain that they now are being forced to endure the same pain by the hands of there mother is and will be the demise of my death. This/your article has dropped my jaw and left me in a state of awe. You hit on every single incident and situation that I am fighting today. You are my justification and my logic. I might have folded from the guilt prior to your article. You are the angle that I having been praying for my entire life. I will hold this/you and your wisdom very close to my heart for the rest of my years. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart.

125. Difficult but necessary decision.

126. Moving away from one’s family is a difficult decision that can often be viewed as selfish. However, the article on trailingaway.com provides a fresh perspective on why moving away can actually be a selfless act of love. Similarly, letting go of toxic people is another challenge that many people face, and the pragmaticparent.com provides some helpful tips on how to navigate these difficult relationships.

127. I have a situation where, for some 7-8 years I have had my sister’s issues regarding things she perceives our late mum and I have said that made her feel unworthy . However we had spoken about these, and I had considered them dealt with…. not so. Every so often over the years she has kept throwing them back at me, which indicates to me that she has not dealt with them.
     Anyway just recently after yet another throw back at me, I decided to walk away. Just as recent as 1 week ago she has forgiven our mum for her misdemeanors…. and yesterday she informed me that SHE has decided that all the issues we had are to be “put in the ground and buried” and never spoken of again, and we should start with a clean slate (start afresh). Rightly or wrongly I find that very selfish as she’s not shown any remorse as to how I feel about having her issues repeatedly thrown back at me. I am still feeling very hurt, and I feel that I can’t trust her.

128. Beautiful article showing self love is #1 and biological family is not even on the list. Screw these toxic, incorrigible, projecting, immature, jealous, insecure, self blind pieces of demonic joyless trash. Triumph over this garbage and make them feel like total miserable rejected pieces of excrement l.

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