Discover your child’s love language. Know the 5 love languages of kids to strength your parent child relationship, and stave off misbehavior. If your child’s love language is gifts or words of affirmation, then Daily Affirmation Cards for Kids would be a great fit!
Love Languages of Kids
I learned a long time ago reading through my stack of parenting books how important connection is for children.
There is nothing that’s more important for a child than to feel loved, safe and accepted by a parent. A parent’s love and affection has a great deal of influence on a child’s development.
In fact, all my books say the parent child relationship is built upon connection and this is what gives kids confidence, reassures them they are in fact lovable and connection is like a safety net so resilient kids will try new, hard things without fear of failure.
That’s why I’d been trying so hard to figure out – for years – to figure out the right formula to connect with my son.
It’s not that we weren’t connected, but it felt like our relationship was rockier and occasionally stuck in a cycle of power struggles, and while I had tried one-on-one dates and praise, it still felt like something was missing.
When my son was three and half, that’s when the shift happened.
My 3-year-old son, Trenton, was (and is still) a sweet, generous and loving little boy who makes drawings and brings presents for his friends to “make them happy.” Yet, shortly after my youngest daughter was born, I’d see him destroy his toys or hide his baby sister’s pacifier or sound-machine sheep in odd places. Then he began fighting with his twin sister.
At first I thought it was having a new baby in the house that made him feel jealous, but when his behavior didn’t let up after a year, I felt like there had to be another explanation of what was going on.
I wasn’t sure how to get through to him.
But here’s the thing I was missing…
Different kids crave different kinds of attention and affection.
It wasn’t until I discovered the five love languages, before I could put my finger on why our connection wasn’t as strong as it was with my girls.
After reading an article about Gary Chapman, Ph.D., a marriage counselor known for his best-seller The 5 Love Languages of Children I found the missing link to his behavior and why nothing I was doing, seemed to work.
These five love languages of kids aren’t just for children, but apply to adults too.
Chapman’s works says that we all express love, and experience it, in the same five ways—through physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, and acts of service — but everyone has one way particular way that matters most to them.
It’s not enough to love your kids, says Dr. Chapman, who years later cowrote The 5 Love Languages of Children. “You have to know how to communicate love to a child so that he genuinely feels loved.”
He also wrote, The 5 Love Languages of Families which I also recommend.
I know first hand when you aren’t connected, this can lead to a child acting out by being less cooperative, angrier, and defiant because they don’t feel that their relationship with you sits in a safe, sweet spot.
If you don’t know what your children’s love language is yet, don’t worry, I’m going to break them down so you figure out the best way to make your child feel truly adored.
Pst…. Be Sure to Snag Your Printable of the 5 Love Languages at the bottom of the article.
How to Find Your Child’s Love Language
Once I read Dr. Chapman’s article o the 5 love languages, I could understand why giving Ternton verbal reassurances or praising his abilities didn’t mean as much as going outside to throw the ball or riding my bike next to him.
Now that I know how to fill his love tank with quality time, I can flip the switch on his bad moods or back talk.
Chapman does state that kids need to receive love in all forms of the 5 love languages, but fill your child’s love bucket with their preferred love language. Which means, I still cuddle up to him and say “I Love You” 20 times a day.
This helps stave off misbehavior and strengthens your connection.
But, before you can get started, you have to know how to identify your child’s primary love language.
The best way to do this is to pay attention to what your child asks of you and how he shows you love. This is because kids ask for love and attention in the way they wish to receive it.
When Trenton asks me to go outside and play catch or go on a bike ride with him, this is his way of asking me to give him attention. This is his love language.
My daughters Juliette and Taylor have the same love language and I figured this out because they ask to cuddle on the couch, for me to rug their legs, snuggle an extra five minutes before bed and hold hands when we’re outside walking.
Their love language is touch and physical contact is how they feel most connected to me and their Dad.
These are the five love languages of kids (and Adults, Too!)
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Acts of Service
After surveying a group of adults, Dr. Chapman found the most common of the 5 love languages. This is what the survey revealed:
- Words of affirmation: 23 percent.
- Quality time: 20 percent.
- Acts of service: 20 percent.
- Physical touch: 19 percent.
- Receiving gifts: 18 percent.
One you know what your child’s love language is, you can connect with them on a deeper level that means more to them. Here’s how to play detective and find what your child’s love language is by how they act or speak.
Love Language: Physical Touch
Do You Have a Child Who:
- Wants to be held and cuddled
- Asks to sit on your lap
- Wants to be hugged and craves attention
Your Child’s Love Language may be PHYSICAL TOUCH.
Dr. Chapman has a son who prefers this love language. He said,“when I came home, he would run to the door, grab my leg, and climb all over me,” he says.
Hugs and kisses are the most common way of speaking this love language, but there are other ways, too.
If children are constantly in your space, touching you, or playing with your hair, that’s a signal that they need to be touched more, says Laura Markham, Ph.D., author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.
Some studies have proved, that lack of parental warmth and love can make children more stressed, since parents put too much pressure on them to succeed without balancing it with affection.
Express Love to Your Child by:
- Snuggle often, give high-fives, offer hugs, hold hands, give a hand, back, leg or foot massage.
- Ask your child if they want a hug or need affection when they’re upset.
- Wrestle or rough house with him.
- Give kisses and frequent affection.
- Create a fun handshake or silent signal such as, squeezing their hand three times means “I love you.”
- Give morning and goodnight hugs.
Love Language: Quality Time
Do You Have a Child Who:
- Wants you to watch them and says things like, “look at this,” “watch this!, or “let me show you something.”
- Asks you to play with them
- Seeks your attention to watch them or be with them one-on-one
Your Child’s Love Language may be QUALITY TIME.
A child whose love language is quality time, simply wants your undivided attention.
Quality time is focused attention.
You can fill their love bucket by giving them at least 10 minutes of your undivided each day. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television though. I mean, engaging with your child and doing something they want to do.
It could be lying in bed talking before they drift off to sleep, playing a game of uno after school, or riding bikes or shooting hoops together.
Express Love to Your Child by:
- Fill their love bucket by carving out special time one-on-one with your child each day.
- When your child asks you to play with them, or watch them, put what you’re doing on pause and fill their love bucket with ten minutes of your time.
- Give your child your presence. You don’t have to be having a running conversation with them. Simply sitting next to them and reading while they do homework is enough.
- Don’t isolate them with a time-out or sending them to their room when you need to discipline them.
Love Language: Words of Affirmation
Do You Have a Child Who:
- Your child lights up whenever you praise them or give positive feedback
- Tells you sweet affirmations like, “you’re the best mommy” or “I love you so much mom.”
- Wants to hear you retell stories about them and relishes your storytelling
Your Child’s Love Language may be WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.
In communicating love, words are powerful.
Your child feels you love when you compliment, praise and speak highly of them. They revel in hearing all the things you love about them.
Express Love to Your Child by:
- Tell them you love them often without a “…but” that follows your words of affection or they’ll think your love is conditional.
- Leave little notes for them, even a text message or slip a note in their lunch box.
- Reinforce their love language of words of affirmation by praising the qualities and characteristics you love most about them.
- Look them in the eyes and tell them how important they are to you.
- Allow your child to overhear you speaking brightly about them to a friend or family member.
Love Language: Gifts
Do You Have a Child Who:
- Cherishes gifts
- Takes time unwrapping a gift and treasures it
- Doesn’t want more stuff, but feels love when they receive a gift
- Remembers gifts he’s received years after getting it
Your Child’s Love Language may be GIFTS.
Dr. Chapman says a person whose primary love language is gifts, will value the packaging as well as the actual gift. They’ll also often remember the gift and how it was wrapped, for months or years after receiving it.
Another sign? Your child has trouble throwing out gifts they’ve received over the years, even if it hasn’t been played with in years or is broken or missing pieces.
Children whose love language is gifts don’t see a gift as a material object, but as a symbol of your love for them.
Express Love to Your Child by:
- You don’t have to shower your child with toys and gifts. The occasional art supplies will make your child remember the love you have for them, each time they use them.
- Gifts don’t have to be store-bought items. They can be a meaningful handwritten note, an “I love you” on a napkin in their lunchbox, a flower on the pillowcase or a piece of mail for them in the mailbox.
- Harvey Karp, M.D., author of the book, The Happiest Baby on the Block says stickers and start charts can also help kids feel valued.
- Be sure to also value the gifts your child gives you whether it’s something homemade or a piece of art they made at school.
Love Language: Acts of Service
Do You Have a Child Who:
- Want you to do things for them, often things they know how to do or can do themselves
- Begs you to help them, fix a toy, make their bed, etc.
- Says things like, “you do it for me,” or “can’t you do it?”
Your Child’s Love Language may be ACTS OF SERVICE.
You may feel like a servant to your child when they ask you to “do it for me” and you know they can do it for themselves. This may be true, but when they ask you do something for them, it’s because their love language is acts of service and they feel your love when you do things for them.
You don’t have to jump at every request because its good for your child to be self-reliant but the occasional acts of service mean a lot to a child whose love language is acts of service.
Express Love to Your Child by:
- Helping them out with an occasional task they already know how to do for themselves – just be careful and don’t get in the habit of cleaning up after them or doing their chores just because they’ve asked.
- Acts of service can be small like helping them tie their shoes, hang a wet towel up, or warming a blanket up in the dryer on a cold day… go a long way to making your child feel loved.
One Last Note on Changing Love Languages of Kids
Chapman believes that love languages are similar to personality traits in a person and that they stay with you for life. For some people though, they will change from stage to stage and with age.
A snuggly toddler whose love language once was physical touch may begin to prefer quality time as they get older or the situation at home changes.
The best way to know is to watch your child’s behavior and pay attention to what actions they show towards you.
Click on the Image of the Printable 5 Love Languages for Kids to Get your Free Download:
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